Giving to give.

As I sit here with a massive (to me anyway) amount of bills: student loans (i.e., stupid loans), taxes, car payment, you know - the usual, I ask myself “Why are you tithing? Doesn't God want you to be honest and pay off your creditors?” Truth is, no one is bothering me, I make my payments, so it isn't like I am derelict, I am just over-extended.  Every day, I am hounded by that negative voice of the bill collector in my head to do the "right" thing and get my bills paid off and then I can tithe.  By the end of the year I could have the IRS paid off and then there would be no sweat tithing.  My practical side tells me this is what I should do...yet I am haunted by an Old Testament prophet, Malachi, who asks me "Would you rob God?"  

I am encouraged by a lifetime of hearing (faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God) that I cannot out give God.  I don't think I ever saw that in the Bible, just parables about giving.  Part of me has to ask is that really about money?  I, personally, think that stories like the one of the talents is about souls more than cash.  The Bible tells me that my only job to go into all the world and preach the gospel, and the job of the church is to the harvest souls and to encourage the believer.  Yes, I know all the arguments about the church needing the money to bring in the souls, which is a fine argument...when the church is doing that...  

It is also my interpretation that we are to live a life of worship, that everything we do should be worshipful to our Master.  And that the washing of the water of the Word and a light shining on a hilltop means that we are to use the Word to expose sin that hides in the hearts of humanity. (Sin is a dirty word in some churches I have observed.)  However, the prosperity gospel, though lighter than it was in the 80s, still resides in the church, big or small.  No matter when the message of giving and tithing is preached, it seems it is always preached with the promise of monetary or material bounty in return. Really? Are you really going to get your hundred-fold return when you haven't won a soul to Christ 
on your own, ever?  Is the Bible really telling you to “ask, seek, knock” for things?  Isn't that really about salvation?  Isn't salvation the bounty that we should be seeking and, once found, sharing?  

Missionaries are living sometimes meager existences, returning to this country going from church to church asking for sponsorship.  They come into our churches and see how affluent we are living.  They are tithing their lives, sacrificially giving up their American lifestyle to go back to the hard-life of third-world countries, sometimes risking their very lives.  How do they do that? How do they make it without a flat screen TV or a Tempur-pedic mattress?  They are driving some rattle-trap vehicle or riding on the back of a donkey, while we are over-extended on car payments. Where is their ten-fold return? Surely, the missionary who is doing God’s work where many of us would never venture should be rolling in material blessings?  Surely…

Greater love hath no man but to lay down his life for his friend.  Go… 

Aren't we giving to help spread the gospel? If we had a true heart for souls would getting a ten-fold returnof cash even be a consideration.  Shouldn't our heart be giving to get a ten-fold return of people won to Jesus, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over?   Not $10 for every $1, but ten people for every $1.  Holy canoli, if that happened and everyone tithed how the churches coffers would grow and imagine the good that could be done with all those tithes?  What if you never got anything material in return?  Why is that even a consideration?  Is it because our eyes are always on our master?  Want to know who your master is…search your heart regarding giving…is it to advance the Kingdom or to get a blessing?

Yes, I want to be blessed like all of you, but more than that I want to go to Heaven, I want my loved ones to go to Heaven and I want everyone I ever knew or will know to go to Heaven. For those I will never meet, I want someone to reach them so they can go to Heaven too.  This is where God opens my eyes to the true identity of the pesty "voice of reason" that lives inside each of us...He shows me that giving to get is a first world kind of idea.  We should be giving to give.  

The blessing isn't in giving in three-levels to see a financial miracle in your life, it is giving in three-levels to see VICTORY in your spiritual life. The loud voice screaming in your head “YOU NEED THAT MONEY” isn’t the Holy Spirit.  The still small voice that says “Feed my sheep” is the voice of Christ. 

This is what I know, if there is no Heaven, if God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit are just fantasies that help me make it through life, then fine.  They are no bigger fantasy that the horoscope, tarot and all the other stuff that I used to use to cope in the past.  If the Trinity is a fantasy, it is for the good of the world, and its people.  Everything else is for the good of self.  Christ came for the good of the world.  I know this much, having Jesus in my life has not made things harder for me. A life of partying, drinking, being promiscuous, etc. only brought me worry and sorrow.  I don’t miss the old music that played with my emotions, I don’t miss the TV shows and movies that brought broken ungodly ideas into my mind, I don’t miss reading books that are sour on life, and I don’t miss old “friends” who drug me down into the spiritual abyss.  Almost everything I hear, read, or see now is edification for my soul, not putrification.  So I haven’t lost anything, as Toby Mac says, what good is it if I gain the whole world and lose my soul?

Practicality, Condemnation, and Reason, those evil spirits, as they speak to me daily, I counter them with the Truth. I am not “throwing my money away” giving it to the church, like I am when I give it to Amazon.com or Target or restaurants, really anywhere that I spend money on things I have no need for,the truth is I am giving that money to bring in the Sheaves, for the Harvest.  So I just speak at them with my God given authority – “Get thee behind me Satan! Will a man rob God?” And then let the hope of a financially prosperous return leak out of my heart and mind like a sieve, because I am not giving to get, I am giving to give.

What a surprise!

It has been over a year since I last wrote in this blog, I was fairly happy then, compared to the couple entries before that. However, now I am much much happier and kind of surprised at the way my life has changed just since last October when I was mooning over my heart throb.  Now I barely think of him (barely) but I have a new love, someone I was in love with before but pushed aside. Jesus! 

Yes, I know what you are thinking. It is true, I have even started seeing Him at His place more than once a week.  I am sure you remember that I swore I would NEVER darken His doors again because the rest of His family were loons, hypocrites, and hateful.

He got to me though. He called me late at night, at work, in the early morning hours, when I was just sitting around doing whatever kind of thing my heart desired - He called to me.  He said, "Remember, the scripture is DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Where is your delight?"

So I gave in. I searched, I found a church where the songs sound like angels voices, and I planted myself, found some awesome friends and yep, We are back together. We are an item. He loves me, I love Him. Who'd a thunk it? Surely not me!

I was the Amy Winehouse of churchdom, "I won't go to church, oh no no no no no!" My thought was that He and I could be just friends, you know. I tell Him my problems, He takes care of them, I say thank you & move on. No relationship, no commitment. He is a sweet talker, that Jesus, and He is so patient. He waited, He bided his time, He knew I would long to get back together with Him.

After Jeff died I told God that I just needed someone to take care of me, someone to take all these problems and deal with them. A strong man who could just give me a place to rest. I should have known as soon as I started asking that the Father would want to hook me back up with His Son. I mean, He has all those attributes and so many more, in fact, not only is He willing to lay down His life for me - He did!  What a hero, and He was here all the time. Holding me up, lighting the way, tearing down strongholds, making a path.

So all I can ask now is - what do you need? Who are you looking for? Don't think you are hiding...
I can hook you up, just ask me.

The dangers of swimming in natural waters...

       As I was doing like 100 laps around my above-ground home swimming pool I was reminded of the poor Shamus. The killer whales that should be roaming oceans, yet they survive in small (to them) pools for the pleasure of people, swimming in laps. (Although, note, my laps are gentle, they do not involve jumping high for a fish, instead I more resemble the gentle Caribbean manatee, who enjoys the warmer waters of the Gulf of Mexico.)  At least I was doing 100 gentle laps – right!  As I thought of swimming pools, something my mom would never let us build in our back yard and I was reminded of the swimming pools and spots of my past.

        There were two naturally fed pools that I have swam in that were the subject of nightmares as a child and continue to haunt me on certain nights.

1)  The Fleishhacker Pool at the San Francisco Zoo.  This pool is full of salt water from the Bay. I am sure it was filtered and whatever, but in my dream there are big grates on the sides of the pool and while I am swimming, the grates open and the devils that lurk beneath the dark waters of the San Francisco Bay and the Pacific Ocean swim into the pool to partake of the pool guests.

2)  Lake Winnepesaukah in Rossville, Georgia. I only went there a couple of times as a smaller child and whether my memories are true or not, they add to my nightmares.  There is a log flume there that my cousins, Billy and Jerry, called the tunnel of love. They told me that there were cotton mouths in the water and that lovers have died in the tunnel of love of snake bite. To make it worse I think they had a pool that had lake water in it, which again was full of nasty lake creatures, including cottonmouths.

3) Since I grew up in the San Francisco Bay area I had the luxury of being able to swim in the Pacific Ocean (home of the aforesaid Shamu (Orca) whale, killer sharks and deadly purple man-o-war jelly fish.  Sometimes the beaches would be purple with all the jelly fish and you could not enjoy yourself there. Plus the water was freezing and giant waves beat against rocks! My other natural swimming choices, the Suisun Bay that we locals called “the river”.  This wonderful piece of water was one of those where you could dip a finger in it and come back with a bone.  Yikes!  At one time a dolphin became internationally famous as he swam from the ocean through the bays and into the Sacramento River.  Speaking of the Sac River…ah the summers at the river, they were fun, if you didn’t think about what the hell was lurking in there! One summer there was a hippo loose in the river.  Ever seen a hippo in the water.  Go to the San Francisco Zoo to find out why you do not want to swim with a hippo.

 

4)      The Pittsburg High School pool. (That is not it in the picture below.) Ah, as last a pool.  I spent every summer day there that I could for 25 cents per day and four mile walk from my home (each way). No natural enemies in there, only Coach Lee.  He loved to make comments about your splashes into the pool after a jump from the high dive.  Thanks to Coach Lee, who called me a whale at 10 years old (I was not fat, I just made a big splash).  Coach was not thin by the way. Anyway, that tag has stuck in my mind forever and I may have stopped jumping off the high dive after that!

 5)     Lake Anza, was a wondeful place to swim on a hot summer. Located in the Oakland/Berkeley hills, wonderful. Except when you can't make it out to the floating dock and almost drown.

6)      Now I live on the west coast of the East Coast, in the Tampa Bay area, again surrounded by natural waters, lovely bathwater temperature waters, full of icky looking fish, sharks, rays, jelly fish, etc. And don’t forget all the hot coeds that flock to our warm white sugar sand beaches in tiny bikinis.

So I thank God for my clean little pool, where I can swim 100 or more laps, around and around, I can put my face in the water, assured that no one has peed in it, no dangerous creatures would even want to be in that pool and if there were, I could see them, and I can get in and out of it 100 times or more a day if I want without anyone yelling at me to “get in or stay out”. There are no grates to let in scary water creatures, no one to call me a whale if I chose to make a splash or two, and no one to be concerned that I don’t have a bikini body.  I love my little pool.

Dream Pool below

25 year plan-begun!

June 10, 2012

Driving home alone from Pembroke Pines to Tampa last night I decided that I want to at least live until Bryson is 30. That will make me 88. I don't want to be living in a NH either or with tubes keeping me alive, so to do that I must get healthier than I currently am. Not that I am bad but I have a few things that need to be resolved and that has to start by losing weight. All the problems I have are either from having fat or from exacerbated by having fat.

So now I must begin my true quest of getting healthy. Not some fad but something that I can do now, live with and adjust as I age.

Here are some things I will do:

• Take supplements, the right ones, not the latest fad.
• Be flexible and realize that new studies debunk old theories.
• See a nutritionist.
• Find healthy friends who will support my new lifestyle
• Learn to enjoy vegetables.
• Get past the mental block that will not let me eat vegetables.
• Do what exercise I can until I lose enough weight where I can do what I used to do, if that means starting with chair exercises - so be it.
• Never forget, this is my goal and only I can make myself attain it.
• Focus on myself & my health.
• Get my financial situation under control.
• Stop procrastinating.
• Stop eating out every day.
• Learn to make rewards for myself and feel that they are valuable.
• Learn to suffer deprivation.
• I know that I can have self-control, find that part of me again.
• Become positive.
• Become goal orientated.
• Stop wasting time on political stuff that I can't change and focus on those things I can
• Read inspiring, uplifting stuff.
• If I have at least 30 more years left to live then stop living like I am dying now.
• Find people older than me who are inspiring and emulate them.
• Never again have a relationship to say I have a relationship.
• Develop my old hobbies and find new ones.
• STOP hiding behind my fat. It keeps me from going places and meeting new people.
• I might be too old to be outgoing, but learn to be approachable.
• Failure is not an option, stop giving up.
• Keep that picture of me as an old person lying in the NH bed with my mouth open and no sense of reality in the back of my mind, 

along with the picture of Hanne, still vibrant at 81.

 Who do I want to be...the smiling lady in green for sure!
Create a plan...stick to it. Be who you want to be!

1 year almost 6 months later...where am I today?

June 2, 2012

I have been observing myself a little lately, I am in one of those patterns where I don’t care. I want to care so hopefully I will move out of it. The one thing that I tell myself that is so self-defeating is that it won’t matter, because the truth is, (the past does not equal the future), the truth is that no matter what I do to improve my lot I always end up back here. And now I am so fat I can’t stand myself, but my mind does not know it is fat. My body does and my body is sick of itself, but my inner mind is telling myself that if I don’t look at it, it isn’t there. (It is, fat.)

Yet, I have curtailed my life…I know I only have so many years left which would have been fine if I also didn’t have to find another man to spend my years with, and if I didn’t have to face the possibility if I find someone else he might die and I have to go through all that again.  Or he might be mean, or a killer, or someone bad in my life.

If I get thinner then I will look and then I will get hurt again. If I stay fat then I can hide here and just be depressed but know that I won’t have to love anyone again.

Every day I still ask God why He did this to me, what did I do wrong this time, or what is the lesson I need to learn. I want to learn the fucking lesson so I can get on with my life. I want to be a healthy weight and I want to go out and have fun, but my misery does not allow me to. What is the use of getting married for life to have it keep ending badly? 

I should just be happy to have my kids and grandkids. I should get thin, run around and date, but not get tied down. I don’t want to be like those predators that are old and desperate looking.  My judgmentalness comes into play when I realize I could easily be one of them and I so don’t want to be. I heard a funny story (ha ha) about young guys dating older women and then laughing behind their backs, like they did the old bats a favor. Sure don’t want that. Ever.

So who knows what my future holds. I need to get over myself. I need a girlfriend who lives near me & will walk with me, & go to a gym with me, and who I can share my feelings with. (I have one friend who would do this but she lives too far away.) Since I don’t share my feelings well I usually end up listening to everyone’s story and wondering why no one asks me mine. Because I wouldn’t tell them anyway. Will I regret that in the end?

Then there is the money. I treat money like it flows from a fount and will never dry up. I treat money like why save because my mom saved everything and died & it was all wasted by me and my jerk 1^st husband. I treat money like if you save it and then you die young, others will spend it. Jeff & I spent it and we had fun, it was not wasted at all.

I don’t want to die with a bankroll. But I need to get some control. Like with food I have un-tethered money issues. I have never been able to save since I was a kid, I have wasted money and spent it like water. When Jeff died I did something that I had to do to maintain my house. Now for 5 years I am stuck in this money pit. 5 years seems like a long time when you are on the short side of 60. Hold on, hold on, hold on, I tell myself. Knowing that each year I am closer to the candle burning out.  And the thought of living in a small apartment with just my dogs and fewer bills seems so attractive. Something with a pool & a water view…

So today I am reflective. I am lonely, but I am not lonely. I am very heavy and see no solution. I am broke and see no solution. I make poor choices and I see no way out. But who knows, tomorrow I may discover the answer & as I always say, if I didn’t write it down I would never remember that I ever felt this way.

Onward and upward…

Why bother?

This is just musings, things I have been pondering as I approach my 4th month of widowhood come this Thursday. The question is about another relationship. I am not looking, I am not ready and I am wondering, why even bother. At this point in my life I am thinking it is pretty much going to be him or me. Personally, I have not enjoyed becoming a widow, I certainly do not want to do it again. But it is more than that...

I would really love to meet a rich guy who is nice and good looking and would provide me with all my needs. Ladies, can I get a Hurah! But let's face it those guys are made in Hollywood. I have seen that even the best of guys are just human. So possibly by letting go of that fantasy I am going to miss out. But I don't believe that because I have already put that into the universe and it will happen. So is that good or bad? I am not going to settle for less...but he has to be a special guy. Not one of these men like I saw the other night. Men with giant fat bellies and average looking faces, their poor ugly super skinny wives looking sickly and ready to break, harsh makeup on their botoxed faces. Why are skinny skinny women such a prize? Esp. when you have to pump their tits up with implants to make them palatable. Plus, I bet the gruesome old men cannot even get erections. I do not want that at all.  I would rather live alone.

My friend had gastric bypass and a body lift. Is she happy? Does she have the love of her life? Nope. Personally, I would love to have a tummy tuck and a boob lift, but I can't afford it and if I could would it be worth the pain. When I met Jeff I just told him - my stomach is disgusting  & my boobies sag, I have had 4 kids for god's sake. He was ok with it. When I told him I wanted a boob lift he would say no, he liked them just the way they were. How is that for love! Wish I could love myself that much.

So does anyone out there know what I want? If so, please comment below because I have not a clue. I don't want to go through courtship again, I don't want someone who does all the things I like to do - BEFORE we are married - and then stops AFTER we are married. But you used to like to dance...

I don't want grouchy. Suzanne Summers told John Stossel that she could tell he was losing testosterone because he was grouchy. Well screw that!

But most of all I don't want to love and care for someone again, I don't want to plan my final years again with someone, whom I might find dead, again. Oh and I sure as hell don't want to be a caregiver. Call me cruel, call me whatever, I don't. So I guess it is best just to, when I am ready - which I am not - to just have several, nay - many, many, many meaningless flings! At least that way, when I lose weight again I know I will not gain it back - as Jeff was wont to say - the wedding ring adds 5#s per year & the best diet in the world was to take it off.

I am writing the next chapter of my story...

I just did a 3 card reading and then started reading the birthday book Vicki gave me, 10 Secrets for Success & Inner Peace by Dr Wayne Dyer. They both are on the same theme, it is all up to me. I am now 7 minutes into my 58th year (today is my 57th birthday), and some of the things I thought about my future have recently been proven to be false. You know how when you are crossing a stream, walking on what appear to be solid, though slippery,rocks, imbeded firmly in the earth, when suddenly...oops! The rock wasn't solid, and down you go. You either get up sopping wet and make your way out, or you allow the stream to carry you away, screaming "Help me!" waiting on someone else to save you, when all you have to do is grab a branch and you can get out. Well I chose not to get carried off, I just want to swim to the other side and get the hell out of the stream. You know what comes next, you get out, shake off the water, shivering you start checking your body for scrapes and bruises, and then move on up the path. That is me, even if blood is flowing I just want to move on. Should I ask for help? Even if I don't know what I may need help with?

Crap, when I fell in the stream I lost my map and now I am bloody (don't worry, the wound cloted) & I am unsure which path I was going to take. I know, the one less traveled...easy for you to say, you are safe & secure.

Looking around I feel like just sitting on a stump and waiting for someone to rescue me, give me a warm drink, a dry shirt and a friggin' map! I can't, it will be their map and not mine, so I have to decide. I have to sit in the sun and dry off. Check the sun to get my bearings, get off my fat ass and trudge on. I can't wait till I see who I meet along the way. Will I regret taking the next path? Gosh, so many questions. Please God, please, let this be the easy path, please. Bring me someone healthy, wealthy & wise. Help me change my attitude towards my own health, help me recoup my wealth and guide all my steps, teach me to ge wise by depending on You.

Ok guys, dried off, sun has moved to the west & I am following it to the coast. I'll check in along the way.

Did you know that I was born at midnight? I am 33 minutes into my 58th year, happy 57th birthday to me <3