June 2, 2012
I have been observing myself a little lately, I am in one of
those patterns where I don’t care. I want to care so hopefully I will move out
of it. The one thing that I tell myself that is so self-defeating is that it
won’t matter, because the truth is, (the past does not equal the future), the
truth is that no matter what I do to improve my lot I always end up back here.
And now I am so fat I can’t stand myself, but my mind does not know it is fat.
My body does and my body is sick of itself, but my inner mind is telling myself
that if I don’t look at it, it isn’t there. (It is, fat.)
Yet, I have curtailed my life…I know I only have so many
years left which would have been fine if I also didn’t have to find another man
to spend my years with, and if I didn’t have to face the possibility if I find
someone else he might die and I have to go through all that again. Or he might be mean, or a killer, or someone
bad in my life.
If I get thinner then I will look and then I will get hurt
again. If I stay fat then I can hide here and just be depressed but know that I
won’t have to love anyone again.
Every day I still ask God why He did this to me, what did I
do wrong this time, or what is the lesson I need to learn. I want to learn the
fucking lesson so I can get on with my life. I want to be a healthy weight and
I want to go out and have fun, but my misery does not allow me to. What is the
use of getting married for life to have it keep ending badly?
I should just be happy to have my kids and grandkids. I
should get thin, run around and date, but not get tied down. I don’t want to be
like those predators that are old and desperate looking. My judgmentalness comes into play when I
realize I could easily be one of them and I so don’t want to be. I heard a funny
story (ha ha) about young guys dating older women and then laughing behind
their backs, like they did the old bats a favor. Sure don’t want that. Ever.
So who knows what my future holds. I need to get over
myself. I need a girlfriend who lives near me & will walk with me, & go
to a gym with me, and who I can share my feelings with. (I have one friend who
would do this but she lives too far away.) Since I don’t share my feelings well
I usually end up listening to everyone’s story and wondering why no one asks me
mine. Because I wouldn’t tell them anyway. Will I regret that in the end?
Then there is the money. I treat money like it flows from a
fount and will never dry up. I treat money like why save because my mom saved
everything and died & it was all wasted by me and my jerk 1st
husband. I treat money like if you save it and then you die young, others will
spend it. Jeff & I spent it and we had fun, it was not wasted at all.
I don’t want to die with a bankroll. But I need to get some
control. Like with food I have un-tethered money issues. I have never been able
to save since I was a kid, I have wasted money and spent it like water. When
Jeff died I did something that I had to do to maintain my house. Now for 5
years I am stuck in this money pit. 5 years seems like a long time when you are
on the short side of 60. Hold on, hold on, hold on, I tell myself. Knowing that
each year I am closer to the candle burning out. And the thought of living in a small apartment
with just my dogs and fewer bills seems so attractive. Something with a pool &
a water view…
So today I am reflective. I am lonely, but I am not lonely.
I am very heavy and see no solution. I am broke and see no solution. I make
poor choices and I see no way out. But who knows, tomorrow I may discover the
answer & as I always say, if I didn’t write it down I would never remember
that I ever felt this way.
Onward and upward…
