Saturday, June 2, 2012

1 year almost 6 months later...where am I today?

June 2, 2012

I have been observing myself a little lately, I am in one of those patterns where I don’t care. I want to care so hopefully I will move out of it. The one thing that I tell myself that is so self-defeating is that it won’t matter, because the truth is, (the past does not equal the future), the truth is that no matter what I do to improve my lot I always end up back here. And now I am so fat I can’t stand myself, but my mind does not know it is fat. My body does and my body is sick of itself, but my inner mind is telling myself that if I don’t look at it, it isn’t there. (It is, fat.)

Yet, I have curtailed my life…I know I only have so many years left which would have been fine if I also didn’t have to find another man to spend my years with, and if I didn’t have to face the possibility if I find someone else he might die and I have to go through all that again.  Or he might be mean, or a killer, or someone bad in my life.

If I get thinner then I will look and then I will get hurt again. If I stay fat then I can hide here and just be depressed but know that I won’t have to love anyone again.
Every day I still ask God why He did this to me, what did I do wrong this time, or what is the lesson I need to learn. I want to learn the fucking lesson so I can get on with my life. I want to be a healthy weight and I want to go out and have fun, but my misery does not allow me to. What is the use of getting married for life to have it keep ending badly? 
I should just be happy to have my kids and grandkids. I should get thin, run around and date, but not get tied down. I don’t want to be like those predators that are old and desperate looking.  My judgmentalness comes into play when I realize I could easily be one of them and I so don’t want to be. I heard a funny story (ha ha) about young guys dating older women and then laughing behind their backs, like they did the old bats a favor. Sure don’t want that. Ever.

So who knows what my future holds. I need to get over myself. I need a girlfriend who lives near me & will walk with me, & go to a gym with me, and who I can share my feelings with. (I have one friend who would do this but she lives too far away.) Since I don’t share my feelings well I usually end up listening to everyone’s story and wondering why no one asks me mine. Because I wouldn’t tell them anyway. Will I regret that in the end?

Then there is the money. I treat money like it flows from a fount and will never dry up. I treat money like why save because my mom saved everything and died & it was all wasted by me and my jerk 1st husband. I treat money like if you save it and then you die young, others will spend it. Jeff & I spent it and we had fun, it was not wasted at all.

I don’t want to die with a bankroll. But I need to get some control. Like with food I have un-tethered money issues. I have never been able to save since I was a kid, I have wasted money and spent it like water. When Jeff died I did something that I had to do to maintain my house. Now for 5 years I am stuck in this money pit. 5 years seems like a long time when you are on the short side of 60. Hold on, hold on, hold on, I tell myself. Knowing that each year I am closer to the candle burning out.  And the thought of living in a small apartment with just my dogs and fewer bills seems so attractive. Something with a pool & a water view…

So today I am reflective. I am lonely, but I am not lonely. I am very heavy and see no solution. I am broke and see no solution. I make poor choices and I see no way out. But who knows, tomorrow I may discover the answer & as I always say, if I didn’t write it down I would never remember that I ever felt this way.
Onward and upward…