I wrote this on my friend Camille's wall, but since I went to all the trouble reporting this disturbing story I felt the need to share it with the FB world. I hope to goodness Reebok does not hunt me down for exposing this depravity! Of that I am banned from Facebook & Amazon.com
Camille, earlier tonight, posted this status "I wanna go home!!!"
To which Kelly replied: "are you still at the office?"
Camille: "Oh, yez!"
Kelly: Diane and I were so hoping that you would be at the Christmas party we had tequila shots lined up for you.
Camille: Well, the Grinch was working.
Kelly: LOL LOL LOL (note, usual snorting was not happening)
At this point I became bored with these shenanigans and decided it was time the truth came out about Camille & her move to the DC area. The following barely resembles the truth and not one name has been changed as there are no innocent:
Me: Kelly, she is really sitting out on her deck while the cats perform their annual ritual pre-winter dance and fence scream. It is at this time of the year that all the cats who live in the sewer outside Camille's yard expel themselves to participate in the celebration. Camille has prepared her special recipe for catnip stew, with anchovy croquets, and a fistey little concoction called Krazy Katz' slurping' frenzy. Each cat is served upon it's own cafeteria tray. Meanwhile, to remain inconspicuous Camille had donned...
Camille: You've lost your mind. I would never serve them on proletariat cafeteria trays.
Me: A cute little number (see pix). By wearing this costume the cats that are visiting do not look upon her as an outsider, and she is able to remain warm and toasty. One year she became so involved in her little charade, she was seen running around with a startled blue bird in her mouth while she tipped over garbage cans. While all this goes on, George the cat, makes a trek into the sewer upon Reebok's orders. Raisinette is suppose to be the watch cat, but she was distracted that one time. Camille had slipped her glasses back on after slipping in...
Slime left by the alley cats who had come to watch the other idiot cats prance and preen in that strange woman's yard. As she put her glasses near her beady little eyes Camille caught sight of George as he disappeared down the sewer hole. As we all know, she ran to get food, blankets and about 14 little cat ladders which she lashed together and lowered into the sewer. The visiting sewer cats returned from their prowl after the ritual only to find a strange looking giant cat lying upon a blanket pillow with her face stuck down the sewer hole. What the hell
Meanwhile George was oblivious as he scurried around the sewer den collecting top secret emails the sewer cats had been transmitting to the White House cats (they live in the swanky tunnels that lead from the White House to the Capitol). The sewer cats have been spying upon Camille because the White House cats became confused when they attended the ritual that 1st year when they overheard Camille talking to KLC on the phone, the were confused by her calling him "Chief". ...
Camille (again): You must be exhausted now. And you know at least 7% of that stuff is entirely made up.
Me: They would not become suspicious of the giant tabby cat sitting in, not upon, a lawn chair. It was reported by Fox News earlier tonight that people in Camille's neighborhood had heard cries that sounded like "Go go Gadget Go" and "Right Chief" then hideous cat fight sounds. (Prior to heading down into the sewer George poured tequila into Camille's raspberry lemonade! :-)
Camille (finally exhibiting the respect I deserve): Wow.
Me: it was tiring reporting on your activities, as I have been typing with one finger, but one such as myself, feels compelled to expose the truth.
BTW, say what you will, but I saw you steal those cafeteria trays when you were licking, I mean washing them at the homeless shelter Thanksgiving day.
Camille: Again. Wow. Now you have me actually wondering what does go on in the Lovettsville sewers.
Me: I know you have tried to put that periscope down there, and there was that tiny video camera you attached to George's Christmas hat that year, but Reebok is not going to let you in on those secrets, it is too dangerous for one such as yourself, to know.
Camille: True.
Me: I know you.
I just realized how scary that sounds, now I know why those feral cats hang around my house...I know too much!
(I know, it is the pain drugs, I am going to sleep it off now. FYI - you can catch me outside the Improv in Ybor every Sat. at 4am. Camille - Soft kitty, warm kitty Little ball of fur Lazy kitty, pretty kitty purr, purr, purr)
(c) Karrel Buckingham 2010
(c) Karrel Buckingham 2010
