Once upon a time I sought answers from spiritualists, astrology, tarot cards, Turkish coffee grounds. But for years now I have been in a place where I didn't have any questions. Plus, now I see that no one ever told me: your son will die. What if they had? (Just so you know, they didn't have to tell me - I knew in my heart - and I knew I couldn't stop it. Still small voice.)
Anyway, I am just as questionless now as I have been. I think I have climbed past that plateau of the mountain (of enlightenment?) and am climbing on. But now I am used to the altitude, it doesn't hurt to breathe any more. The climb isn't bad because I don't have to work hard. I am not bothered so much by the wind, I have learned that I can stand in the gale or find shelter until it blows over.
Yes, I still step on the loose rock or loose my grip and fall a few feet, but it isn't hard to get my stride back. It isn't bragging, it isn't even knowledge of what lies ahead, but it is confidence that no matter what lies ahead, I most likely will survive it. If I don't, then I am not worried about what lies beyond.
Brave right, how dare I say those words, isn't that tempting fate? If you believe that way then yes it is. But I asked God for years for patience, for knowledge, for strength. I have been through lots and lots. Not as much as many, but a lot more than most. I have cried, I have begged, I have suffered shock that is unmeasurable. I have seen dreams crushed and watched what I thought would be my life forever drop from sight as it fell of the side of the mountain I climbed. It didn't just "fall" either. It gripped the walls & tried to crawl back and for years I heard the echo of its screams. Then it was silent, my past life. Gone forever and not missed. And the new life is soooo much better. I shutter to think what would have happened, but I don't dwell on it, because I know - what is to be - will be. That is the secret - I KNOW that, I KNOW THAT.
Photo borrowed from http://www.flickr.com/photos/9793191@N08/2193457710/, thanks! Fig2007
I lost my little children and watched them become adults. When they were teenagers for a while I swam in the hot springs at one plateau rather than care for them. I lost that time as they climbed past me, kicking pebbles and rocks down on me as the kept on up. But I caught up with them. I have watched as they too lost ground and when I have told them keep climbing, I have seen hope and despair, knowing I can't do the climbing for them. Now they are different, I am different, and I still mourn that we aren't young again. It is the ONLY thing I mourn, that we can't do that part over. But you know the rule there - no do overs & who's to say it would have been better, the results different. (FYI - don't miss the ex, just my small kids)
So now, I don't know that I need to get to the top. Maybe I am at the top. Have you been to a tall mountain? When I was in the Alps it was cloudy where I stood, but as I looked up at the Zugstpitze, I saw that above those clouds was bright sunshine & the mountain soared far into the sky, reaching towards the sun. Sometimes looks are deceiving. http://www.zugspitze.de/livecams/index_en.php
So for today, I am going to sit on the mesa and not worry about the next step. When it is time I will lace up my hiking boots, pick up my pack and carry on. Because isn't that what it is really about - having the strength to Carry On - Carry On.
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