The Will to Live (or Die)

Have you heard about the man who was in a coma for over 20 years and says he was aware the entire time. He can't talk now & someone is guiding his hand as he types out what it has been like for him lo these many years.

So who knows if it is valid, but let's assume it is. Dr. Michael Baden (Dr. Death) was on Red Eye discussing this guy. Greg asked if people like him were fighting inside to live and Dr. Baden opined that yes, yes they were. That no matter what, we have it in us to fight to live.

And at that point I started rethinking my end-of-life decision. I fought with others that Terri Schivao should be allowed to die and at that time I entered into a Living Will, wherein I outlined my own decisions. Even though I have spoken these verbally & had put them online, I knew they needed to be in writing, so there would never be a fight over me the way there was over Terri.

But last night I thought of the deaths I have witnessed. Our family seems to have been plagued by death for years now and to tell you the truth, it is starting to get me down. I have only watched two people actually die. The 1st one was my ex's elderly grandfather, who died in the nursing home as we stood at the foot of his bed. It was very peaceful & we weren't even sure he had passed. There was no "death rattle", no moans, nothing. (FYI - God, I would like to go like this please.)

The other was my dear dear friend, my California "Carol" sister. My inspiration, my mentor. When she was dying from breast cancer I was honored to asked to be in on the decision about life sustaining matters. I had no hesitation. She was not going to recover. I didn't want her to suffer if she didn't have to. But it wasn't easy or quick. She struggled against medications to ease pain. She struggled against receiving a watery sponge. Was she struggling to stay alive? Or was she struggling to stop the prolonging of the inevitable? The thing that stuck with me the most was that her vanity remained strong - even as death beckoned. I won't tell her secret here, but when the nurse wanted to take a safety precaution upon her person, my friend struggled and did not want to give up her last shred of dignity.

And I pondered this last night. Was she fighting to live? Have I made the wrong decision? I really don't want to live if it means I would be a vegetable. I know this in my lucid, although some might question, sane mind. I am not influenced by drugs or impending death. I have been exposed to the horrors of nursing homes and Alzheimer's & I know that I do not want to experience that, nor do I want my family too. I don't want to live if I survive a firey inferno & my skin is melted. I don't want too - now.

I know what it is like to loose someone suddenly from a silly accident that exacerbated other underlying conditions and three days later that person was dead (my mother, my daughter-in-law's mother, my son-in-law's mother). I have experienced a loved one doing something routine & dying on the spot from a failed heart (my dad, my 2 son-in-law's fathers). I have lived through the horror of a child's suicide. I have found a beloved pet smashed in the middle of the road and held another while I wished I had it in me to just put a pillow over his head & end his misery. I have seen a loved ones family stunned when their beloved died in a car crash. I have had other family members die from cancer, from ALS, from alcoholism, from heart failure. And I have felt the sharp slap in the heart upon learning of the murder of  a family member more than once. Since 2001 my grandchildren have lost 3 grandfathers and 2 grandmothers. All they have left is me, 1 other grandma & 1 grandpa. And of course Papa, who loves them like he was their blood grandpa. It is touching that the other grandma (one son-in-law's mother) & the other grandpa (my daughter-in-law's father), are called Grandma & Grandpa by all the kids.

And a couple of years ago suddenly I lost my dear friend. For two years we were joined together in grief. She for her husband who died of a heart attack when she stepped out of the room for 5 minutes. She never saw it coming. And me, grieving for my son, who was a favorite of hers. Deaths 6 months apart. We were there for each other through so much. Then one day, we were taking a drive & she told me she had a lump. And then just a few weeks later she was in the hospital and a few weeks later we were in the hospital with her, sleeping in her room. Willing her to just let go. To give up the fight. Knowing we were losing her, in this world.

Like I said, it is weighing on me, all this death. That is the price of humanity, of loving. Death, its inevitability. But I think I should be given a small break.

Anyway, this isn't about that, it is about my decision regarding end-of-life moments. Am I wrong? While I was writing this I remembered the last moments with my friend, the one in a bedroom, in her home, surrounded by her loved ones, wearing a pretty gown her daughter dressed her in, so when she met her husband again she would be pretty. And she died - peacefully. None of the fighting we had seen in the hospital. Was this all she wanted?

And based on that I think we made the right choice for her & I for myself. I have watched 2 people die, peacefully, in bed. Since this is our luxury, to make end-of-life decisions, I would encourage you to take that time now. During Thanksgiving, to fill out a Living Will & Healthcare Surrogate form. Make your wishes known. You can always change your mind down the road. But the length of that road isn't a guarantee.

Each state has different rules, here is a web site to get you started: http://www.hcdecisions.org/AdvanceDirectives.asp

Your health care provider or your health insurance company should have the forms you need for your state - for free.

Wishing you a healthy, happy Thanksgiving.

I was green, when green wasn't cool.

Back in the day my parents grew during the Depression in poor families. Then they went through the war when there was rationing. So when I was "coming up" I was constantly reminded: turn off the lights - you are wasting electricity, turn off the water - you are wasting water, etc. We had glass bottles that the milk man would pick up & recycle with new milk. Or you took your glass soda bottles in for the deposit that you had paid when you bought them. Wax milk cartons were used to grow seedlings in or to through food scraps in for the garden. Tin cans were washed & reused. Glass jars were washed & reused. Newspapers were used in the garden, or for cleaning up spills, rolling into fire logs, you name it. The mailman walked the entire neighborhood delivering the mail door to door. We didn't drive our 8cyl cars all over, we had no need too, our lifes took place in our hometowns. And on & on.

Then in the 70s, when I still lived in California we went through a drought. We put bricks in our toilets & we flushed only when it was #2 or so stinky you couldn't stand it.

But you know, plastic bottles & aliuminum cans came along & changed everything. People started working in the city & moving hours away from their homes. Women started working so everyone needed 2 cars. The streets became so scary you couldn't let your children out on them any more so they had to be driven to school. They couldn't play outside anymore so they had to have more and more organized sports that meant the mom's who didn't work had to have another car to drive the kids all over. And snow ball and snow ball.

I hate Women's Liberation, I think it ruined the world as we know it, and this is just one more example. Were it not for Women's Liberation there would be NO hole in the Ozone & life would be simpler. Al Gore stick that in your craw & smoke it!

Why size DOES matter (pixel size that is!)

We have a family Flickr site, it is unlimited & I pay for it. Yet it doesn't get used by everyone. One reason is the uploader can be slow & a hassle if you upload large size pix. But, I need large size pictures for my digital scrapbook pages, plus larger size pictures are a better quality all around, esp. if you want to print them.

I do not use Flickr as my back up & I don't recommend that you do. I have all my pix saved on an external hard drive, that hard drive has another external hard drive that is a back up, and I also have Carbonite, a cheap online back up. But Flickr works well for sharing & if you are on a trip, etc. Mainly because it saves the pictures in various sizes (including original) & it also allows for the uploading of video.

As I said I need large, good quality pictures for my scrapbook pages & when I do photo manipulations. An article in December Issue Photoshop User Magazine (1^st of a 3 part series) explains about image resizing. "The Pixel (size) is the Thing" written by Dave Cross on Page 64. You can get the magazine at the bookstore – or you can become a National Association of Photoshop Professionals (NAPP), like me, & get the magazine & lots & lots of extras & discounts. It really helped me to understand how to resize a picture (not just click & drag). If you are interested I would check that article out. (See bottom of post for links on how to become a NAPP member.)

But this isn't about sites, it is about pictures. So let's get down to business:

1. Set camera pix size
   

Digital Cameras: Buyer's Guide:
How does file size affect my digital camera's image quality?

Since each camera is a little different, get out your manual and look up image quality. You should be able then to scroll through the options and select a larger picture size.

1. I am not going to explain pixels, etc. to you as there are lots of articles on the internet & free articles, just think of it like this. The MORE pixels you have the better your picture quality when you print it. The LESS pixels you have, the less information you have to work with if you ever want to use that photo for anything. Your print quality will not be good and your image will not enlarge well.
   
   I do photo composites & digital scrapbooking & I sometimes use photos taken by my family members. I have gotten a variety of picture qualities from them, when I ask that the original .jpg be e-mailed to me. Here are some examples – please note that size of the photo & then read the pixels & file size noted. Each is placed on the exact 12x12 background (from Scrapgirls.com) and there has been no retouching or resizing when I created the document. The pictures are the exact same size as they were when I took them or received them.
   
   The pix here are from various sources – a cell phone, downloaded from Facebook, downloaded from an album type web site and then e-mailed to me from a camera set on its lowest quality setting:
   
   
   
   
   
   
   The next is a picture at high quality from a 7.1 MP point & shoot camera:
   
   
   
   Finally a photo at high quality from a 10MP camera:
   
   
   
   
   
   As you can see, the size difference alone is dramatic. You can always reduce a picture and still retain some quality, but enlarging one with very few pixels isn't a pretty site.
   
   
2. The only drawback of having a high quality pictures is storage size. But today that is easily remedied. The price of external storage is cheap. I do not keep any of my photos on my computer for storage, as I said above, I keep them on external hard drives.
   
   I also have a Pro Flickr account (there are others, I like Flickr). It comes in really handy when I travel. Every night I upload all the pix I took that day to Flickr. That way, just in case anything bad happens, my pictures are at least on Flickr and can be recovered from there if need be. I don't retouch them or anything at that point.
   
   After a photoshoot I download immediately all the pix on my card. I use Adobe Bridge – it does video too, &/or Adobe Lightroom – but there are many out there & your computer probably came with one too.
   
   I have my program set to put my photos in the file I want and also to create a back up file on my C: drive. (I only do that because Carbonite does not back up from external drives.) Then once I have checked to make sure ALL my pictures have made it off of the card, I reformat the card & it is ready to use again. The first of every month, after I make sure Carbonite has backed up the files in my back up folder on the C: drive, I move them onto ANOTHER external hard drive (that I keep in a separate location from my computer), then I delete those pix off of my C: drive.
   
   You can also get thumb drives that hold several gigabytes now, so you can use them as your external storage and back up also. I would still check the integrity of these devices every quarter or so. Hard drives have been known to fail.
   
   So it costs me $55/yr for Carbonite & $25/yr for Flickr. But I feel safe that my pictures are going to be around if someone were to come in my house & steal all my equipment or there was a house fire, etc.
   
   

Flickr

Smug Mug

Shutterfly

Photobucket

Picsa

Carbonite (if you contact me with your e-mail address, I can get you an extra month free, but you must do so prior to downloading the free trial)

So please - check & see if you have your picture quality set to the highest your camera will allow. Why have all those megapixels if you aren't going to use them???   And don't forget - get them off of your camera card & back up back up back up!  You will thank me someday.

An Easy Tip to Help Remember the Past

Here is a tip & I find it is helping me remember lots of things - after all - it is in there, somewhere. Every time I think of a story I write it down. I have a directory called Nana's memories. So if I die the kids will find it, but if not, when I get the inkling I can make a book out of them. I just write what I remember, say one topic might be my mom cooking chicken every Sunday. Then if I think of more, I go in and append it. I don't care that it is cohesive, just want to preserve that memory, as sometimes they flit in & out at lightning speed. If I am not where I can write it I record it on the record feature on my phone or you can even leave a VM. Then write it when you get the chance. It really works, you should try it! Before you know it you may have the remembrance you are looking for. :-} 

Each memory should be a separate file. This really works well if you are going through pictures. Maybe you see a place or a toy or something & have a fond memory about it. Record it. That is how your son & grandchildren will really know who you are.
I do genealogy & names are nothing if they don't have some flesh on them. These are your flesh once you are gone. Pix & words. 
(I told my friend this today & thought it is a good tip I will share it.)

Out on a Limb?

Young boy scaling palm
Originally uploaded by karrelbuck

I am borrowing this from a young cousin's Facebook status: "The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs."


Once again I was put in my place. Not that of revered mother, matriarch of the family, but that of big time loser who ruined the entire world.


My crime - I am not really sure, but I am guessing it is that I didn't do enough to make my children's early years more perfect. Because, as you know, it is proven that if you had some bumps in your early life then you will NEVER EVER grow up to be successful.


I didn't live a perfect life either. In the 90s I used popular "think" to blame my parents, but really it was me. I have always known that. It was inside of me. My parents only mistake was not disciplining me, at all. So I spent 32 years seeking discipline. (I left out my 1st year of life.) Let that be a lesson to you new parents, you HAVE to set boundaries for your children, so they can learn about consequences.


I learned, years after both of them were gone, that the problem wasn't that they were shitty parents, but that they had no examples of proper parenting in their lives. My dad's father died when he was 4, leaving his mom a widow with 9 children. He & his brothers lived at his Uncle's house for many years. My mom's father left her mom & the 2 children for another woman when she was 4 or 5. But in those days the woman who was left was the bad woman. My grandma, with little help from her family, had to work hard in the cotton fields everyday while my mom had to raise her little brother. All the while, there daddy & his new family had a nice home and good clothes.


So when they adopted me were they wrong to want to give me everything they never had? Since they never had to deal with selfishness and unruliness how could they deal with me? They had no clue.


Now I can blame the orphanage where I spent the first 4 months of my life, due to political red tape. They let me lie in my crib, hungry & malnourished, suffer from an untreated umbilical cord, while they sold ½ of the formula my parents supplied to the facility for me to eat. Maybe that made me the bad child I became. Maybe that is why I am fat.


But I have given up blaming. I have personal responsibility. I am 55 years old. I was not a perfect mother, but I tried my hardest. God forbid I say that other people had life much tougher than my family. But you know what, that's the truth. I wasn't beat every day of my marriage. My sons were not beat or berated every second of their life either.


Yes, my youngest son suffered from depression. Did his childhood cause that? Maybe. I don't know what causes depression. I have been depressed & can step out of it. But some people can't. For some people it is a lingering disease.


I can't change what happened. I can't change what happened 3 minutes ago. I could delete all these words, but that doesn't change the fact that I wrote them. I sure as hell can't go back and fix a person's childhood.


I took control of my own self about 14 yrs ago or more & changed how I look at my future. I changed how I look at my now. And I realized it is NO ONE's fault the life I have, the life I had, or the life I am going to have but my own. And for anyone who wants to challenge me on that I say to you, put on your big boy/girl panties and get over it. If you aren't where you want to be in life, then you didn't try. Maybe you didn't want to try. Maybe you didn't really want it. I don't want a lot. I am happy with the life I have now. Isn't that where we need to be. Just happy where we are. If you want to be Donald Trump, then you have to work at it. It's not your Mama's fault if you didn't pony up the the challenges and seize the opportunities that were laid before you. You gotta look in the mirror and face reality one day. You will be a much happier person once you to that.


If you are in college or just getting started you have to ask yourself what you really want & then go for it. If you don't and you missed the boat, no one tied you to the dock so you couldn't catch it. But there is ALWAYS another boat, so no excuses.


I have one more thing to say about this situation. I was condemned for speaking out politically because (1) I have never done it before (2) I must not like black people (3) why don't Jeff & I just say how we want things to be.


1 - I have been a Republican my entire life. My dad taught me to be one. My mom taught me I never want to be a Democrat (she was & I had issues with her). It is that simple. I didn't influence my children. I must have been wrong there. I shouldn't have let them think for themselves. I should have taken them into the voting booth with me every time, like my dad did & made them Republicans. Shame on me.


2 - I have been a Republican my entire life. The fact that our current president is of a different race is irrelevant, since I personally believe that Presidents, all of them, have very little power. The problem with our current president is - he is a Democrat and I do not subscribe the the Democratic philosophy of Big Government. If Hillary Clinton were President I would have spoke out as much. Maybe more.


The reason I have a "louder voice" now, is the Internet & Facebook, and a blog, & Twitter. It is the reason we ALL have a VOICE now. That is why I wasn't so outspoken before. Also, I trusted my government, I trusted George Bush & the US Government to keep us safe. I was wrong. I was complacent. I was apathetical & then Sept 2008 happened & I realized that there is something serious going on in Washington & it is time to stand up!


3 - I don't think I have ever been unclear on how I think things should be. I think it should be like it was before the 60s, before Viet Nam, before Women's Lib. I don't think Mom's should work, I don't think there should be no-fault 20 day divorces, I don't think there should be latch key kids, I don't think there should be such violence in the media, I don't think there should be so many social programs that have enslaved entire generations. I think a Dad should be a Dad & take care of his family and not leave when the going gets tough. I think abortion is wrong, period. I don't think the Government owes me anything but to protect my rights, as they are spelled out in the Constitution. And I think it should be like that for ALL American's - no matter what your race or religion.


So, I leave my soap box with this thought, You have to work for what you want, you have to stop blaming the world, in fact, get off the blame wagon & grow the F#%K up. Yes, I am a hard ass. So what!

What is Hope & how about Change?

I've been thinking about hope since last night. Here is why I think hope is a pretty useless emotion. I HOPE that when I die I will be reunited with my loved ones & pets who went before me. I have FAITH that I will, but I really don't know 100%. There is nothing I can do to change or influence this out come - so that is what HOPE is. Something that you have absolutely no control over, but you hope it comes to pass.

Here are 2 situations where HOPE will fail you every time. You are driving in a car & it skids off the road, into a pond, & starts filling up with water. Now, you can sit in your seat & HOPE that you get out, HOPE that someone saw you, HOPE that they have the ability to rescue you. But as long as you SIT IN YOUR SEAT and do NOTHING, HOPE will do very very little for you. You must ACT to make a difference in this situation.

You can HOPE you win the lottery. Every drawing read the winning numbers, plan your future with your winnings, maybe even start buying stuff based on your winnings because you really HOPE it is going to happen tonight. But if you never take ACTION - like buying a Lottery ticket - all your HOPE is kind of wasted.

Pretty much everything that can be CHANGED and does not rely on HOPE. But you know, we like that word. "I HOPE you have a great day." "I HOPE to go to college someday." I HOPE I meet the perfect person for me." None of that is ever going to happen if you just sit around hoping.

So we have a president who appealed to our love of the word HOPE. It inspires us. I HOPE that he is the guy who makes a difference, who makes the CHANGE for the good. But all in all, he is just ANOTHER Politician. He has nothing different than all the others had before him. He has a shady past and hangs around with shady characters. His Chief of Staff & best friend/adviser are his the puppet masters (a la Dick Cheney). He is NOTHING special. But he DOES want to make a lot of changes really fast & he told a lot of lies to get into the position to make these changes.

I know you want to defend him and say, no, he never lied. But the proof is in the video tape. We were to have transparency, all bills were to be on the internet for 72 hours BEFORE they were voted on so the people could see them. On and on. He is trying to force things on us (like Health care and Cap & Trade), again, appealing to your HOPE that it is good. It sounds good, only the really really rich bastards will pay for it, it will be free for me, at least I sure HOPE so.

He is also a victim. So because he is a victim, most of his supporters would rather stick up for him than stop and think, maybe there is one ounce of truth in what his critics are saying. If Hollywood loves him, that should be your first clue something is wrong with him. But you think you know him, you think you know all the Hollywood stars. After all, you let them all come into your homes and you read up on them. They are special to you, so they know what is best for you. NOT

Recently, I was dressed down by a couple of people for expressing my political views on Facebook - that was because my views didn't line up with theirs. If it had, I am sure they would have said nothing to me. But 1st Amendment & all I can say what I like.

I voted for George W. Bush because I was a Republican & I didn't like Clinton & I liked Gore even less. I didn't know anything about Bush, didn't care. Just didn't want Gore to win. You ever voted like that???? Then after 9/11 I became a big Bush fan & I ignored anything he did, as long as my Gov't kept us safe. When we went to Iraq I had no clue why we were there but I figured they knew more than I did. So it went on for 8 years. I couldn't vote for Kerry, another extreme looser.

Then this past election came & I was in for Romney. I thought his business experience & his having been a governor would help him run this country well. But we got McCain. So I had a choice of a Republican Liberal or a Far Left Democrat. Had to go with McCain. But by then Obama, ACORN & all the rest had laid the path to it being a sure win for him.

I know, you want to protect him. You want to think he won because he WAS the best man for the job. Poor guy, everyone picks on him. But he wasn't. There were dirty politics at all times. There were lies, and you let them slide by, you believed. You believed in HOPE AND CHANGE.

Well, you got the CHANGE. I sure HOPE it is what you thought you were going to get, because I personally think America is screwed. Unless someone STANDS UP AND TAKES ACTION against this machine that got Obama elected, you know an unknown nobody, he is PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

So far all I see is Limbaugh & Beck standing up to this mess. Meanwhile, the Administration is trying hard to crush them, playing the victim at every turn. Never answering a question. Because you WANT to believe the lies, why should he even try to explain. So keep feeling pity for your victim president, don't open your eyes until it is too late. We are getting deeper & deeper in that pond, but still just a hopin' someone is up there really concerned about our safety...while you start planning what you will do with your lottery winnings...

My letter to Rep Alan Grayson (D-FL Dist 8) of today

I take offense to being called a "Knuckle dragger" & a "murderer" by someone like you. As a Democrat you certainly have a lot of nerve, when your party, is beyond salvation.

Fortunately I don't live in your district, but we have our own useless representative, SEIU shill Rep Kathy Castor. If I did live in your district I would be investigating you as I am Castor.

Please make sure that you update your resume, as both you and Ms. Castor will be job hunting in 2010. In fact, I hope that someone moves for your recall before then. You do not deserve to even have a forum.

You may not know this, just as Ms. Castor does not, but you are to represent EVERYONE in your district, including the knuckle draggers. You are a dishonor to your position.

I hope the Republican's and any fair person in your district starts looking into who funds you and who you really speak for.