Sunday, August 12, 2012

The dangers of swimming in natural waters...

       As I was doing like 100 laps around my above-ground home swimming pool I was reminded of the poor Shamus. The killer whales that should be roaming oceans, yet they survive in small (to them) pools for the pleasure of people, swimming in laps. (Although, note, my laps are gentle, they do not involve jumping high for a fish, instead I more resemble the gentle Caribbean manatee, who enjoys the warmer waters of the Gulf of Mexico.)  At least I was doing 100 gentle laps – right!  As I thought of swimming pools, something my mom would never let us build in our back yard and I was reminded of the swimming pools and spots of my past.


        There were two naturally fed pools that I have swam in that were the subject of nightmares as a child and continue to haunt me on certain nights.
1)  The Fleishhacker Pool at the San Francisco Zoo.  This pool is full of salt water from the Bay. I am sure it was filtered and whatever, but in my dream there are big grates on the sides of the pool and while I am swimming, the grates open and the devils that lurk beneath the dark waters of the San Francisco Bay and the Pacific Ocean swim into the pool to partake of the pool guests.

2)  Lake Winnepesaukah in Rossville, Georgia. I only went there a couple of times as a smaller child and whether my memories are true or not, they add to my nightmares.  There is a log flume there that my cousins, Billy and Jerry, called the tunnel of love. They told me that there were cotton mouths in the water and that lovers have died in the tunnel of love of snake bite. To make it worse I think they had a pool that had lake water in it, which again was full of nasty lake creatures, including cottonmouths.

3) Since I grew up in the San Francisco Bay area I had the luxury of being able to swim in the Pacific Ocean (home of the aforesaid Shamu (Orca) whale, killer sharks and deadly purple man-o-war jelly fish.  Sometimes the beaches would be purple with all the jelly fish and you could not enjoy yourself there. Plus the water was freezing and giant waves beat against rocks! My other natural swimming choices, the Suisun Bay that we locals called “the river”.  This wonderful piece of water was one of those where you could dip a finger in it and come back with a bone.  Yikes!  At one time a dolphin became internationally famous as he swam from the ocean through the bays and into the Sacramento River.  Speaking of the Sac River…ah the summers at the river, they were fun, if you didn’t think about what the hell was lurking in there! One summer there was a hippo loose in the river.  Ever seen a hippo in the water.  Go to the San Francisco Zoo to find out why you do not want to swim with a hippo.
 
4)      The Pittsburg High School pool. (That is not it in the picture below.) Ah, as last a pool.  I spent every summer day there that I could for 25 cents per day and four mile walk from my home (each way). No natural enemies in there, only Coach Lee.  He loved to make comments about your splashes into the pool after a jump from the high dive.  Thanks to Coach Lee, who called me a whale at 10 years old (I was not fat, I just made a big splash).  Coach was not thin by the way. Anyway, that tag has stuck in my mind forever and I may have stopped jumping off the high dive after that!
 5)     Lake Anza, was a wondeful place to swim on a hot summer. Located in the Oakland/Berkeley hills, wonderful. Except when you can't make it out to the floating dock and almost drown.


6)      Now I live on the west coast of the East Coast, in the Tampa Bay area, again surrounded by natural waters, lovely bathwater temperature waters, full of icky looking fish, sharks, rays, jelly fish, etc. And don’t forget all the hot coeds that flock to our warm white sugar sand beaches in tiny bikinis.

So I thank God for my clean little pool, where I can swim 100 or more laps, around and around, I can put my face in the water, assured that no one has peed in it, no dangerous creatures would even want to be in that pool and if there were, I could see them, and I can get in and out of it 100 times or more a day if I want without anyone yelling at me to “get in or stay out”. There are no grates to let in scary water creatures, no one to call me a whale if I chose to make a splash or two, and no one to be concerned that I don’t have a bikini body.  I love my little pool.

Dream Pool below







Sunday, June 10, 2012

25 year plan-begun!


June 10, 2012

Driving home alone from Pembroke Pines to Tampa last night I decided that I want to at least live until Bryson is 30. That will make me 88. I don't want to be living in a NH either or with tubes keeping me alive, so to do that I must get healthier than I currently am. Not that I am bad but I have a few things that need to be resolved and that has to start by losing weight. All the problems I have are either from having fat or from exacerbated by having fat.

So now I must begin my true quest of getting healthy. Not some fad but something that I can do now, live with and adjust as I age.

Here are some things I will do:
  • Take supplements, the right ones, not the latest fad.
  • Be flexible and realize that new studies debunk old theories.
  • See a nutritionist.
  • Find healthy friends who will support my new lifestyle
  • Learn to enjoy vegetables.
  • Get past the mental block that will not let me eat vegetables.
  • Do what exercise I can until I lose enough weight where I can do what I used to do, if that means starting with chair exercises - so be it.
  • Never forget, this is my goal and only I can make myself attain it.
  • Focus on myself & my health.
  • Get my financial situation under control.
  • Stop procrastinating.
  • Stop eating out every day.
  • Learn to make rewards for myself and feel that they are valuable.
  • Learn to suffer deprivation.
  • I know that I can have self-control, find that part of me again.
  • Become positive.
  • Become goal orientated.
  • Stop wasting time on political stuff that I can't change and focus on those things I can
  • Read inspiring, uplifting stuff.
  • If I have at least 30 more years left to live then stop living like I am dying now.
  • Find people older than me who are inspiring and emulate them.
  • Never again have a relationship to say I have a relationship.
  • Develop my old hobbies and find new ones.
  • STOP hiding behind my fat. It keeps me from going places and meeting new people.
  • I might be too old to be outgoing, but learn to be approachable.
  • Failure is not an option, stop giving up.
  • Keep that picture of me as an old person lying in the NH bed with my mouth open and no sense of reality in the back of my mind, 

along with the picture of Hanne, still vibrant at 81.



 Who do I want to be...the smiling lady in green for sure!
Create a plan...stick to it. Be who you want to be!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

1 year almost 6 months later...where am I today?


June 2, 2012

I have been observing myself a little lately, I am in one of those patterns where I don’t care. I want to care so hopefully I will move out of it. The one thing that I tell myself that is so self-defeating is that it won’t matter, because the truth is, (the past does not equal the future), the truth is that no matter what I do to improve my lot I always end up back here. And now I am so fat I can’t stand myself, but my mind does not know it is fat. My body does and my body is sick of itself, but my inner mind is telling myself that if I don’t look at it, it isn’t there. (It is, fat.)

Yet, I have curtailed my life…I know I only have so many years left which would have been fine if I also didn’t have to find another man to spend my years with, and if I didn’t have to face the possibility if I find someone else he might die and I have to go through all that again.  Or he might be mean, or a killer, or someone bad in my life.

If I get thinner then I will look and then I will get hurt again. If I stay fat then I can hide here and just be depressed but know that I won’t have to love anyone again.
Every day I still ask God why He did this to me, what did I do wrong this time, or what is the lesson I need to learn. I want to learn the fucking lesson so I can get on with my life. I want to be a healthy weight and I want to go out and have fun, but my misery does not allow me to. What is the use of getting married for life to have it keep ending badly? 
I should just be happy to have my kids and grandkids. I should get thin, run around and date, but not get tied down. I don’t want to be like those predators that are old and desperate looking.  My judgmentalness comes into play when I realize I could easily be one of them and I so don’t want to be. I heard a funny story (ha ha) about young guys dating older women and then laughing behind their backs, like they did the old bats a favor. Sure don’t want that. Ever.

So who knows what my future holds. I need to get over myself. I need a girlfriend who lives near me & will walk with me, & go to a gym with me, and who I can share my feelings with. (I have one friend who would do this but she lives too far away.) Since I don’t share my feelings well I usually end up listening to everyone’s story and wondering why no one asks me mine. Because I wouldn’t tell them anyway. Will I regret that in the end?

Then there is the money. I treat money like it flows from a fount and will never dry up. I treat money like why save because my mom saved everything and died & it was all wasted by me and my jerk 1st husband. I treat money like if you save it and then you die young, others will spend it. Jeff & I spent it and we had fun, it was not wasted at all.

I don’t want to die with a bankroll. But I need to get some control. Like with food I have un-tethered money issues. I have never been able to save since I was a kid, I have wasted money and spent it like water. When Jeff died I did something that I had to do to maintain my house. Now for 5 years I am stuck in this money pit. 5 years seems like a long time when you are on the short side of 60. Hold on, hold on, hold on, I tell myself. Knowing that each year I am closer to the candle burning out.  And the thought of living in a small apartment with just my dogs and fewer bills seems so attractive. Something with a pool & a water view…

So today I am reflective. I am lonely, but I am not lonely. I am very heavy and see no solution. I am broke and see no solution. I make poor choices and I see no way out. But who knows, tomorrow I may discover the answer & as I always say, if I didn’t write it down I would never remember that I ever felt this way.
Onward and upward…

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Why bother?

This is just musings, things I have been pondering as I approach my 4th month of widowhood come this Thursday. The question is about another relationship. I am not looking, I am not ready and I am wondering, why even bother. At this point in my life I am thinking it is pretty much going to be him or me. Personally, I have not enjoyed becoming a widow, I certainly do not want to do it again. But it is more than that...

I would really love to meet a rich guy who is nice and good looking and would provide me with all my needs. Ladies, can I get a Hurah! But let's face it those guys are made in Hollywood. I have seen that even the best of guys are just human. So possibly by letting go of that fantasy I am going to miss out. But I don't believe that because I have already put that into the universe and it will happen. So is that good or bad? I am not going to settle for less...but he has to be a special guy. Not one of these men like I saw the other night. Men with giant fat bellies and average looking faces, their poor ugly super skinny wives looking sickly and ready to break, harsh makeup on their botoxed faces. Why are skinny skinny women such a prize? Esp. when you have to pump their tits up with implants to make them palatable. Plus, I bet the gruesome old men cannot even get erections. I do not want that at all.  I would rather live alone.

My friend had gastric bypass and a body lift. Is she happy? Does she have the love of her life? Nope. Personally, I would love to have a tummy tuck and a boob lift, but I can't afford it and if I could would it be worth the pain. When I met Jeff I just told him - my stomach is disgusting  & my boobies sag, I have had 4 kids for god's sake. He was ok with it. When I told him I wanted a boob lift he would say no, he liked them just the way they were. How is that for love! Wish I could love myself that much.

So does anyone out there know what I want? If so, please comment below because I have not a clue. I don't want to go through courtship again, I don't want someone who does all the things I like to do - BEFORE we are married - and then stops AFTER we are married. But you used to like to dance...

I don't want grouchy. Suzanne Summers told John Stossel that she could tell he was losing testosterone because he was grouchy. Well screw that!

But most of all I don't want to love and care for someone again, I don't want to plan my final years again with someone, whom I might find dead, again. Oh and I sure as hell don't want to be a caregiver. Call me cruel, call me whatever, I don't. So I guess it is best just to, when I am ready - which I am not - to just have several, nay - many, many, many meaningless flings! At least that way, when I lose weight again I know I will not gain it back - as Jeff was wont to say - the wedding ring adds 5#s per year & the best diet in the world was to take it off.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I am writing the next chapter of my story...

I just did a 3 card reading and then started reading the birthday book Vicki gave me, 10 Secrets for Success & Inner Peace by Dr Wayne Dyer. They both are on the same theme, it is all up to me. I am now 7 minutes into my 58th year (today is my 57th birthday), and some of the things I thought about my future have recently been proven to be false. You know how when you are crossing a stream, walking on what appear to be solid, though slippery,rocks, imbeded firmly in the earth, when suddenly...oops! The rock wasn't solid, and down you go. You either get up sopping wet and make your way out, or you allow the stream to carry you away, screaming "Help me!" waiting on someone else to save you, when all you have to do is grab a branch and you can get out. Well I chose not to get carried off, I just want to swim to the other side and get the hell out of the stream. You know what comes next, you get out, shake off the water, shivering you start checking your body for scrapes and bruises, and then move on up the path. That is me, even if blood is flowing I just want to move on. Should I ask for help? Even if I don't know what I may need help with?

Crap, when I fell in the stream I lost my map and now I am bloody (don't worry, the wound cloted) & I am unsure which path I was going to take. I know, the one less traveled...easy for you to say, you are safe & secure.

Looking around I feel like just sitting on a stump and waiting for someone to rescue me, give me a warm drink, a dry shirt and a friggin' map! I can't, it will be their map and not mine, so I have to decide. I have to sit in the sun and dry off. Check the sun to get my bearings, get off my fat ass and trudge on. I can't wait till I see who I meet along the way. Will I regret taking the next path? Gosh, so many questions. Please God, please, let this be the easy path, please. Bring me someone healthy, wealthy & wise. Help me change my attitude towards my own health, help me recoup my wealth and guide all my steps, teach me to ge wise by depending on You.

Ok guys, dried off, sun has moved to the west & I am following it to the coast. I'll check in along the way.

Did you know that I was born at midnight? I am 33 minutes into my 58th year, happy 57th birthday to me <3

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Going, going, gone & so it begins...

I am an obit reader, but I don't look for people my age, I have more personal reasons. I remember hearing old people reading obituaries looking for people their age or younger. Well, it is my conclusion now, it is either me or you. Unless we die together one of us is going to be saying goodbye to the other as sometime. Hopefully, later.

Just heard from an old friend from my childhood days with sad news, another friend of ours - just 57 years young - had passed away. Just like Jeff, she her heart just stopped. No warning. Another friend of ours, he told me, died recently also, from Alzheimers. Damn! We are too young to have Alzheimers, reminder - do crossword puzzles tonight...  Then I told him about another friend who is lying in ICU right now, her body being eaten away at by cancer.

Well, I might drop like Jeff & Sandy did while I am writing this, but when I go, there will be no one who can say I didn't do a lot with the time I had. Yes, I have wasted time, wasted money, wasted youth. But I sure as hell enjoyed the wasting! I am hoping that I have many more hours, days and years to idle away or to fill to the brim. All I want to do is be happy and since I am happy with me that ain't gonna be too hard.

So here is to my love, Jeff, my son Davey, my BFF Rae, my friends Sandy and Marie, and to Linda, still fighting the fight - you are my shield, I hold you up to the enemy Death and say "Vita non est vivere sed valere vita est."



Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Money Money Money, Money!

I was having dinner with my in-laws and Jerry mentioned that Jeff had won $20k on a scratch off several years ago. Yep, but the government kept 1/4 of it I reminded him. Also we paid of his truck & who knows what else. Then I realized, he wasn't asking me to justify where the money went, nor did I need to tell him.

After I thought about how much money had slid through our fingers throughout our marriage, including our retirement funds, etc. And then I thought about my mother, who was so tight with money there was a time she would not give me a penny for a gum machine. My 1st husband (the evil one) took me to the bank from her funeral to withdraw her life savings. Because of him & his drug use, we lost the new home we bought & most of the furnishings. Not in a life time, but within two years.

So who got the best bang for their buck? Jeff, who did things he had never done in his life and probably would have never done had we not met. Jeff who drove new shiny Corvettes, smoked expensive cigars, had a closet full of Tommy Bahamas, and who had beau coup friends. Jeff who dropped dead at 57.

OR my mom, who lived to be 68 years old, who rarely wasted a penny in her life, who raised a daughter who resented her and her penny pinching ways. My mom, for whom a big night out was riding the gambling bus to Reno or Tahoe once in a while. My mom, who had her fur coat sleeve stuffed with bank books and cash but hadn't had fun in 40 years. Which one got the best bang for their buck?

I think it was Jeff. What good did all the retirement money do Jeff or my mom? His would have helped me out some but so what. I had a good time with him, we weren't rolling in dough, but we had fun with what we had. Was that so wrong? I am happy that we went to Alaska and we bought a new car every year (my dad's dream). I am happy that we went to Spain, even if he didn't have a good time. I am happy he started smoking cigars, because he made even more friends, esp. two best friends whom he enjoyed being with.

As for me, I still have time, assuming my health holds out, to have fun and more money. You know how money is, it flows in, it flows out, it flows in. Just waiting on the next tide...
Ka-ching...