Why doesn't my goals have a net instead of 2 posts?

(I know this appears to be rambling, but nobody reads it anyway & I am thinking things out.)

Well, last night, after telling you how good I am, I was bad. Cookies came in here & they were giant. So I ate ½ of one. The last time I had one of these though was Christmas 2007. So that wasn't too bad. I threw the other ½ away when I came in this morning. BUT then I went grocery shopping, did pretty good until I bought the semolina bread & the bite sized macaroons. Let's just say - last night - waste of a day.

But you know what they say - One day at a time sweet Jesus - so here I am again with another day. See this picture - that was me AFTER I got a divorce. My husband says that is the best diet in the world - removing the wedding ring. Before that I was pretty fat - 30#s less than I am now though. How sick is that! Of course I am now 19 years older & have had a hysterectomy & am menopausal. But still - there is no excuse for my appearance. I heard Judy Tenuta say the other day that fat women are like Manatees in thongs. MMMM, sounds about right Judy. Bitch!

OK, so I was thinking last night that I have times where I have absolutely no hunger and then other times where I feel extreme hunger. FYI - drinking lots of water - does NOTHING for my hunger. Sooo, this morning I wrote down those times that I have identified and a plan to keep hunger at bay. Most of that hunger comes from NOT eating full meals. From picking, from eating 6 times a day (as some suggest).

Here was my P&P diet when I was thin - now this worked for me - but I don't know if it would work now - because I don't think I could do it anymore. I call it the Popcorn & Perrier diet. Because basically I ate the following: cereal, popcorn, Slim Fast, water & Pop Tarts. Once a week I went out to dinner, breakfast & lunch - but those were on different days. This was my maintenance diet. I lost that weight in the beginning but cutting calories, reducing fat & using shakes.

But now, I am so fat that when I watched Dr. G's 5 ways American's die last night & saw #2 is my disease - obesity - I was struck by the fact that she said if you can loose weight & keep it off by diet good - BUT most people can't. And that if you are morbidly obese you should have a gastric bypass. Well I can't afford that in several ways - I can't afford the surgery or the time off from work. So now what?

Keep dieting & keep getting fatter and fatter each time I fall off?

I don't know, but I guess I must do something. So, I am getting a purse size notebook & I am going to use it to WRITE in - you remember writing right - done with a pen. In it there will be no structure other than a date. BUT I will write what I eat in there along with whatever else I want - like lists & plans etc.

There is something about having something you can pick up any time any place that beats a computer. My writing is very cramped & hurts my hand now to write BUT I can get use to it again. Yes it is much easier to read when your words flow out of your finger tips - but this will be for me a tool.

So some other things I want to do. Get back to blogging daily, enter a contest a day (I have been doing that), stop sitting at the computer so much when I get home. I am really working on that. And so on. Well here goes, the ball is back into play, I have to run back onto the field...where is that damn punter???

What is wrong with me?????

So last night I was watching the Discovery Health Channel's National Body Challenge. This after starting WW's this week & keep track of my points. Which I have blown every day. BUT I never eat like the people on these shows. I think about it all the time. How long since I have had pizza, how I have had French Toast like 4 times since last year (when I lost 33#s from Jan-Jun & have now gained everyone of them back). My favorite breakfast used to be a McDonald's Bacon, Egg, Cheese bagel w/no cheese. I have had about 6 of them in the past year.

Yet the people on these shows go to McDonald's or other fast food several times a day & they eat 4 or 5 hamburgers. I can't even get a medium fry down in one sitting. Why am I a big fat slob and eating 1/3 of what they eat.

They ONLY way I can loose weight is to cut out carbs and eat fats (you know, Atkins). But I can't stick to it - I have in the past, but then I gain it all back and then some which is why I am where I am today.

So now I am blaming Zone Bars - I am going to cut that crap out & start eating food. Regular meals. Forget counting points. I do well when I just write down what I eat. I tried doing that on my phone calendar & quit, I guess I will be more diligent or get another notebook. Today I am going shopping & instead of spending lots of money on bars that do nothing for me I will buy some actual food. Low carbs, but not no carbs. Maybe I will look at the South Beach diet again. I do really well on Atkins but never really got into the So. Beach.

I know a lot of us have these problems. And there are fat people all the time who say "I don't eat a lot". You know what - I really don't & I have it written down to prove it. I challenge anyone to come watch me eat & tell me I eat too much. I think I have just screwed myself up so much that everything goes to fat.

I went to a nutritionist once & quit - maybe I should go back. No more pills. $40-75 a week is what I paid for 6 months last year for pills, and now I am RIGHT back where I was when I first went in a year ago today. How sick is that. But why do you need a nutritionist when there are so many things on the web to help you. If their accountability is like that of the diet doctors (where you get nothing but your BP taken, weighed & pills - that support they tell you about is non-existent).

Sorry to go off on a tare today but I am so frustrated. To see these people just scarfing down the foods I would LOVE to eat and haven't had in forever (you know deserts, candy, etc) & they are eating them EVERYDAY & weigh the same as you. What is up with that. But we see, even Oprah can't do it and she has everything at her fingertips.

Happy New Year - let's hope next year none of us weigh 20#s more (or even 2#s). Peace