Have you heard about the man who was in a coma for over 20 years and says he was aware the entire time. He can't talk now & someone is guiding his hand as he types out what it has been like for him lo these many years.
So who knows if it is valid, but let's assume it is. Dr. Michael Baden (Dr. Death) was on Red Eye discussing this guy. Greg asked if people like him were fighting inside to live and Dr. Baden opined that yes, yes they were. That no matter what, we have it in us to fight to live.
And at that point I started rethinking my end-of-life decision. I fought with others that Terri Schivao should be allowed to die and at that time I entered into a Living Will, wherein I outlined my own decisions. Even though I have spoken these verbally & had put them online, I knew they needed to be in writing, so there would never be a fight over me the way there was over Terri.
But last night I thought of the deaths I have witnessed. Our family seems to have been plagued by death for years now and to tell you the truth, it is starting to get me down. I have only watched two people actually die. The 1st one was my ex's elderly grandfather, who died in the nursing home as we stood at the foot of his bed. It was very peaceful & we weren't even sure he had passed. There was no "death rattle", no moans, nothing. (FYI - God, I would like to go like this please.)
The other was my dear dear friend, my California "Carol" sister. My inspiration, my mentor. When she was dying from breast cancer I was honored to asked to be in on the decision about life sustaining matters. I had no hesitation. She was not going to recover. I didn't want her to suffer if she didn't have to. But it wasn't easy or quick. She struggled against medications to ease pain. She struggled against receiving a watery sponge. Was she struggling to stay alive? Or was she struggling to stop the prolonging of the inevitable? The thing that stuck with me the most was that her vanity remained strong - even as death beckoned. I won't tell her secret here, but when the nurse wanted to take a safety precaution upon her person, my friend struggled and did not want to give up her last shred of dignity.
And I pondered this last night. Was she fighting to live? Have I made the wrong decision? I really don't want to live if it means I would be a vegetable. I know this in my lucid, although some might question, sane mind. I am not influenced by drugs or impending death. I have been exposed to the horrors of nursing homes and Alzheimer's & I know that I do not want to experience that, nor do I want my family too. I don't want to live if I survive a firey inferno & my skin is melted. I don't want too - now.
I know what it is like to loose someone suddenly from a silly accident that exacerbated other underlying conditions and three days later that person was dead (my mother, my daughter-in-law's mother, my son-in-law's mother). I have experienced a loved one doing something routine & dying on the spot from a failed heart (my dad, my 2 son-in-law's fathers). I have lived through the horror of a child's suicide. I have found a beloved pet smashed in the middle of the road and held another while I wished I had it in me to just put a pillow over his head & end his misery. I have seen a loved ones family stunned when their beloved died in a car crash. I have had other family members die from cancer, from ALS, from alcoholism, from heart failure. And I have felt the sharp slap in the heart upon learning of the murder of a family member more than once. Since 2001 my grandchildren have lost 3 grandfathers and 2 grandmothers. All they have left is me, 1 other grandma & 1 grandpa. And of course Papa, who loves them like he was their blood grandpa. It is touching that the other grandma (one son-in-law's mother) & the other grandpa (my daughter-in-law's father), are called Grandma & Grandpa by all the kids.
And a couple of years ago suddenly I lost my dear friend. For two years we were joined together in grief. She for her husband who died of a heart attack when she stepped out of the room for 5 minutes. She never saw it coming. And me, grieving for my son, who was a favorite of hers. Deaths 6 months apart. We were there for each other through so much. Then one day, we were taking a drive & she told me she had a lump. And then just a few weeks later she was in the hospital and a few weeks later we were in the hospital with her, sleeping in her room. Willing her to just let go. To give up the fight. Knowing we were losing her, in this world.
Like I said, it is weighing on me, all this death. That is the price of humanity, of loving. Death, its inevitability. But I think I should be given a small break.
Anyway, this isn't about that, it is about my decision regarding end-of-life moments. Am I wrong? While I was writing this I remembered the last moments with my friend, the one in a bedroom, in her home, surrounded by her loved ones, wearing a pretty gown her daughter dressed her in, so when she met her husband again she would be pretty. And she died - peacefully. None of the fighting we had seen in the hospital. Was this all she wanted?
And based on that I think we made the right choice for her & I for myself. I have watched 2 people die, peacefully, in bed. Since this is our luxury, to make end-of-life decisions, I would encourage you to take that time now. During Thanksgiving, to fill out a Living Will & Healthcare Surrogate form. Make your wishes known. You can always change your mind down the road. But the length of that road isn't a guarantee.
Each state has different rules, here is a web site to get you started: http://www.hcdecisions.org/AdvanceDirectives.asp
Your health care provider or your health insurance company should have the forms you need for your state - for free.
Wishing you a healthy, happy Thanksgiving.
