Isn't this pix just great - it was taken by a photographer in one of my Flickr groups - the challenge - Self-Portrait. ½ the people seeing this photo (the men) would think "Holy Cow!", but the other ½ (women) are looking at it thinking "And...?"
Why is that - because we women have been juggling multitudes of chores all at the same times since we were very small. We do it so easily now we rarely notice. This is portrayed so significantly in this picture - because while she is doing everything - she is also meditating.
A woman's life is a flow. Synchronicity. Sometimes we stop and look at what we actually do and that is when we get all flustered and need medication. But usually, we just move along, handling it all without even knowing all that we do.
So, my challenge to you and to me is to make a little stick drawing of yourself - then start adding hands and legs and see just exactly what you do every day without ever thinking about it. Then feel very proud of yourself - then throw it away - otherwise you won't be a flowin'. And women - we know about flowin'.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sensory OVER - LOAD
The last year has been full of stuff going on - not really for me, my life has progressed as before, but for our country. We've had a contentious election and then yesterday was the "big" day for all of us. No matter our political view, this day, today, means something - one way or the other. Who is to know? Hope is meaningless. We all hope for good. Faith is what counts, do you have faith in what's to come? Stress is the one certain thing.
I am a news junkie. Fox News goes 24-7 in our home and car (thank you XM). Thanks to them I am able to hear both sides of every story and make informed decisions. But that is a ton of info. Then I have 3 different e-mail accounts (home, work, Yahoo), which I check A LOT. There is Facebook and Twitter. I have abandoned My Space because it isn't as friendly as Facebook. I have several blogs that I would love to read daily. I have books that I am in the midst of reading (5 right now). I am starting a class this Saturday. There is my family who I want to spend time with. My husband who I like to get in the car, put the top down and just ride with. The daily newspaper, the crossword puzzle, my work, several TV shows I watch, they are TiVo'd so I can FF through the commercials, but I need time to watch them, over 30000 pictures that I need to catalog, restore, scrap, Photoshop - 1000s waiting to be scanned, a clean desk that has become cluttered again, and on and on and on.
There are only 24 hours in a day, as we all know. If I am home alone on the weekends I turn the TV off & try to get some stuff done, but it never will be. But the question is - what would I do if I didn't have all of this to do? Once I worked in an office where my only job was to answer the phone. I was told that I could read or do whatever I wanted. Pre-internet. So I read and I read and I read. I became more and more depressed. Why, because we NEED something to do. We aren't meant to just loll around doing nothing. At least those with my type of personality (if that idea is even real). I am not a complete A but maybe an A-.
So what about you? What keeps you busy, takes up all your time, what would you do without it? Are these little distractions time stealers or are they time fillers? Are they positive or negative? I guess that is up to you and what you do with your time and how it affects you mentally. As for me, they are pleasant ways to get through the day. I need a little stress in my life, so if I reach a patch where I am mainly stress free from lives bumps and bruises, I have my artificial stress - the in box, the pile of books, the hard drives & boxes full of photographs, the to do lists. Because you know, those things can go by the way, but they create that feeling of HAVING TO DO SOMETHING, being needed, having a PURPOSE.
Is that what goals are - ways of inducing stress? No longer do we have the stress of trying to survive day by day, now we need goals. We need lists. Wouldn't our ancestors laugh at us when they came in from a hard day on the farm trying to eek out some food for the coming winter, to see us sit down & make a little list of goals. Yep yep. But, we need it - we need that stress, artificial or real. It is necessary for survival. So next time you suffer from sensory overload, just lay back and appreciate it for what it is - sharpening your senses for survival.
Monday, January 19, 2009
What I would do if I could fly...
Ro Paxman asked an interesting question and this is how I responded:
1) I would fly over my old neighborhood in Pittsburg California(much like I do on Google Earth) and gather up all my old memories, write them down with accompanying old pix or drawings and make my heirs a book of who my parents and I were - long ago and far away.
View Larger Map (The house with the big tree on the R side is my old house - they don't have a street view just a birds eye - drat - my address was NOT 170)
2) I would fly to heaven to visit my son, my parents & my dogs.
3) I would fly to Germany weekly to check up on my other parents (yes I have two sets) to see how their health is and visit with my siblings.
4) Whenever it was dark, rainy or just cloudy I would soar above the clouds and enjoy the sunshine, play on the pillow clouds and wave at people in passing by airplanes.
5) Speaking of airplanes, I would dance upon the wings of jumbo jets, peek in the windows at the people flying inside and give them hope that something else exists out there.
6) I would go to Alaska during the summer and marvel in its beauty.
7) I would fly to all the places I have never been and long to go - the New England Seaboard, Nova Scotia, Great Britain, Jackson Hole & the surrounding area.
8)I would take prize winning pictures that even Art Wolf can't capture, write wonderful stories about people and places all with a new perspective, that of one ABOVE the din and noise of society.
9)I would never be afraid again of terrorists, because when I flew I would go somewhere and prepare a place that I could take my family too and we could be safe. I couldn't take everyone, I know that, I would like to, but I am only one person. But I could take my family and from there we would sit in our hiding place and pray for mankind.
10) I would write a book about how the impossible is possible - because I can fly!
1) I would fly over my old neighborhood in Pittsburg California(much like I do on Google Earth) and gather up all my old memories, write them down with accompanying old pix or drawings and make my heirs a book of who my parents and I were - long ago and far away.
View Larger Map (The house with the big tree on the R side is my old house - they don't have a street view just a birds eye - drat - my address was NOT 170)
2) I would fly to heaven to visit my son, my parents & my dogs.
3) I would fly to Germany weekly to check up on my other parents (yes I have two sets) to see how their health is and visit with my siblings.
4) Whenever it was dark, rainy or just cloudy I would soar above the clouds and enjoy the sunshine, play on the pillow clouds and wave at people in passing by airplanes.
5) Speaking of airplanes, I would dance upon the wings of jumbo jets, peek in the windows at the people flying inside and give them hope that something else exists out there.
6) I would go to Alaska during the summer and marvel in its beauty.
7) I would fly to all the places I have never been and long to go - the New England Seaboard, Nova Scotia, Great Britain, Jackson Hole & the surrounding area.
8)I would take prize winning pictures that even Art Wolf can't capture, write wonderful stories about people and places all with a new perspective, that of one ABOVE the din and noise of society.
9)I would never be afraid again of terrorists, because when I flew I would go somewhere and prepare a place that I could take my family too and we could be safe. I couldn't take everyone, I know that, I would like to, but I am only one person. But I could take my family and from there we would sit in our hiding place and pray for mankind.
10) I would write a book about how the impossible is possible - because I can fly!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Do you know me? Do you care? Today that is...
If I have learned one thing in my 54 years, it is this...I should have asked more questions and listened more carefully. To what? To my parents. Yep, my parents. Had I done that, then today I would have the answers to 100s of questions. Also, I would know why. Have you ever asked why, why you were raised the way you were? You know, even if you had the best life ever, there is a reason. Your parents decided to raise you the way they did BECAUSE of something that happened to them. It is how their parents and their extended family raised them that is mirrored in your own upbringing.
The way I learned to forgive my mom (which is a process that I am still working on), is because my aunt told me about her life as a child and then a wise person once said: You parent what you know. So I know both my parents were lacking fathers, they had mothers who had to work hard and weren't the most nurturing, and they knew absolutely NO different. They tried to make a better life for me than they had and they did - materially, but they lacked nurturing skills, because they rarely if ever were nurtured by a parent.I talk a lot lately about when I was small and I see those eyes glaze over of those around me, like who cares. There is a time when your history is all that matters. Then you move beyond yourself. I feel slighted at times because only my oldest son knew my mom and dad, and the other kids and my husband act as (a) they didn't even live (b) they were of no consequence. When the truth is they did live and they are of tremendous consequence even to this day. So, I take time when I scan pictures like that one above, to write down what I remember. Not for today, because today there isn't one person who gives a crap that I was a child or a teenager, a young mom. or about my mom and dad at all. No one but me. But someday someone will say "Why didn't I listen to her stories, do you remember...?", because it may not be important now, but there will come a day. I know because that day is here for me now and I can't remember. That day will come when my children, grandchildren, etc. will be wanting to know. That makes me think of the movie "The Notebook". Hopefully, if I get Alzheimer's I have enough sense to end it before it is too late, but if not, someone might be reading me my own stories, trying to help me remember - the good, the bad, and the ugly.
If you do genealogy like I do, what is it. It is trying to put flesh on facts, faces to names, lives to people that went before. So I encourage you, no matter how young or old you are, open up your word processing program or a journal and just write down memories as they come along. Get out your old photo albums and make notes about what you remember. I don't do it every day or every time, but I do it. Someday, someone who's name you don't know yet, who isn't even a glimmer, will be happy you did it. A picture may be worth a 1000 words, but a 1000 words with a picture is just better.
Peace KB
Friday, January 16, 2009
The Future as it looks to me
I grew up on a hill, our house was in the middle of it, so either way I climbed. Now hill is relative I guess, but the hills where I lived are a little steep, but they didn't kill you to climb them.
When I saw this picture by Deborah Zajac I knew I had to blog it, because we all struggle with the future. We want to know what is on the other side of the bend in the road. Even if you travel that road daily, things are always changing. Unfortunately, as humans, we are always expecting that something bad is waiting for us. Unfortunately, most of us don't prepare for things we may face so they aren't shocking or overwhelming. Instead we try to figure out what it is, when it is going to happen, what can we do to prevent it, we try to see into the future. Life isn't like that - take it from someone who knows. You don't know what is around that corner, no one does. So rather than visiting soothsayers (which I have multitude of times in the past), prepare yourself now to be ready for anything. Gird up the loins of your heart and mind.
Find out what you KNOW. You've heard Oprah talk about that, knowing what you know. You've heard your own “still small voice” whisper what is ahead. We have all ignored it to peril. I have learned – listen to the voice – even if it is minute. If I see any little thing and I think “You know, this or that can happen if that stays like that.” I do my best to change the situation, because 9 times out of 10 this or that does happen and I am kicking myself for not listening to my small voice.
Here is something else I know, if you don’t like something in someone, it is because you have those same characteristics yourself and you don’t like seeing them mirrored back at you. So that is another example of the still small voice telling you – change it. You cannot now or ever make someone else change. Only you can change. So when you see something you don’t like in a person, your spouse, your partner, your child, a friend, etc. chances are you do the same thing but you don’t even notice it.
So rather than pray that the person change and conform to your ideals, write down what you don’t like, but write it this way on a sheet of paper (#1): I don’t like it when does (behavior). Then write on another sheet of paper (#2) write the same sentence but this way: I don’t like it when I do (enter same behavior). Now, when you are done, throw away sheet #1, and you have a list of what you need to work on in your own life. When you work on becoming a better person, rather than wishing someone else was different, guess what – you become a better person and you are more tolerant of others. Funny how it works that way.
I don’t wonder what is around the bend anymore. I have learned it could be something wonderful, something horrific, or something benign. BUT more importantly I have learned whatever it is, I can deal with it and I will survive. It is just one day, one step, one heartbeat at a time. There is NO way of knowing what lies ahead, so live for this moment. The future will take care of itself, as they say.
Peace - KB
When I saw this picture by Deborah Zajac I knew I had to blog it, because we all struggle with the future. We want to know what is on the other side of the bend in the road. Even if you travel that road daily, things are always changing. Unfortunately, as humans, we are always expecting that something bad is waiting for us. Unfortunately, most of us don't prepare for things we may face so they aren't shocking or overwhelming. Instead we try to figure out what it is, when it is going to happen, what can we do to prevent it, we try to see into the future. Life isn't like that - take it from someone who knows. You don't know what is around that corner, no one does. So rather than visiting soothsayers (which I have multitude of times in the past), prepare yourself now to be ready for anything. Gird up the loins of your heart and mind.
Find out what you KNOW. You've heard Oprah talk about that, knowing what you know. You've heard your own “still small voice” whisper what is ahead. We have all ignored it to peril. I have learned – listen to the voice – even if it is minute. If I see any little thing and I think “You know, this or that can happen if that stays like that.” I do my best to change the situation, because 9 times out of 10 this or that does happen and I am kicking myself for not listening to my small voice.
Here is something else I know, if you don’t like something in someone, it is because you have those same characteristics yourself and you don’t like seeing them mirrored back at you. So that is another example of the still small voice telling you – change it. You cannot now or ever make someone else change. Only you can change. So when you see something you don’t like in a person, your spouse, your partner, your child, a friend, etc. chances are you do the same thing but you don’t even notice it.
So rather than pray that the person change and conform to your ideals, write down what you don’t like, but write it this way on a sheet of paper (#1): I don’t like it when does (behavior). Then write on another sheet of paper (#2) write the same sentence but this way: I don’t like it when I do (enter same behavior). Now, when you are done, throw away sheet #1, and you have a list of what you need to work on in your own life. When you work on becoming a better person, rather than wishing someone else was different, guess what – you become a better person and you are more tolerant of others. Funny how it works that way.
I don’t wonder what is around the bend anymore. I have learned it could be something wonderful, something horrific, or something benign. BUT more importantly I have learned whatever it is, I can deal with it and I will survive. It is just one day, one step, one heartbeat at a time. There is NO way of knowing what lies ahead, so live for this moment. The future will take care of itself, as they say.
Peace - KB
Monday, January 12, 2009
Wisdom...pluezzzeeeee...
I want to be a good photographer. Since I was a teenager I have had this dream, even though I never pursued it as family got in the way and I just shot to not miss the moment. But now I have time, time to learn, time to set up shots and time to Photoshop...but, I never set up a shot. Old habits die young. Also, I can think of nothing different to shoot. Where I grew up, in Pittsburg CA, I had many different venues at my finger tips, historical sites, the beach, mountains, rivers, foothills (different that mountains), rocky coastlines, sea lions, beautiful city (SF), ugly city (Oakland), capitol (Sac), tall trees, old trees, and on and on and on. (I don't want to go back, I am just using that to set the scene for what I have now.) Here in the Tampa Bay area, everything is clean and flat. I have local parks (the all look the same) and the beach. A small clean city. And I can drive in either direction and encounter the same. I don't want to be a bird photographer, but when you live in the largest estuary in the state (Tampa Bay) then birds are in abundance.
The thing is - what do I want to shoot? I haven't gotten excited about anything yet. I start a continuing ed Photography class at HCC in 2 weeks, I hope that I get a different perspective.
I don't have a lot of fancy equipment or money to shoot birds. Plus, everyone shoots birds. And landscapes. I want to get my OWN style. So, consider this my plea for wisdom. In the meantime, I am going to search Flickr for ideas.
Just a back up to my first paragraph - when I grew up in the San Francisco East Bay Area I lived in East Oakland for a while and I hung out in Berkeley, this was in 1969. I was very social, and it was my dream to be a social worker and make a difference in the urban areas. You know that story, how many of us didn't want to do this in the 60s and early 70s. My dream was to make a Black and White book of faces from the Oakland area. I am sure this book exists by other authors in other cities as well as Oakland en nauseum. But that was my basis. Then when I was into rodeo's in the early 90s I wanted to do a photo essay of rodeo kids. Here is my problem with shooting kids, in this day and age I think parents would be reluctant to have someone taking pix of their little children, so I back off. Now, one of my favorite shoots is Toys on the Beach. But again, I am reluctant to shoot children, so USUALLY, I shoot the abandoned toys.
Peace - KB
The thing is - what do I want to shoot? I haven't gotten excited about anything yet. I start a continuing ed Photography class at HCC in 2 weeks, I hope that I get a different perspective.
I don't have a lot of fancy equipment or money to shoot birds. Plus, everyone shoots birds. And landscapes. I want to get my OWN style. So, consider this my plea for wisdom. In the meantime, I am going to search Flickr for ideas.
Just a back up to my first paragraph - when I grew up in the San Francisco East Bay Area I lived in East Oakland for a while and I hung out in Berkeley, this was in 1969. I was very social, and it was my dream to be a social worker and make a difference in the urban areas. You know that story, how many of us didn't want to do this in the 60s and early 70s. My dream was to make a Black and White book of faces from the Oakland area. I am sure this book exists by other authors in other cities as well as Oakland en nauseum. But that was my basis. Then when I was into rodeo's in the early 90s I wanted to do a photo essay of rodeo kids. Here is my problem with shooting kids, in this day and age I think parents would be reluctant to have someone taking pix of their little children, so I back off. Now, one of my favorite shoots is Toys on the Beach. But again, I am reluctant to shoot children, so USUALLY, I shoot the abandoned toys.
Peace - KB
Friday, January 9, 2009
Whacking Away at Goals (Photo-title by Ro-Scrapgirls.com)
This inspired me so much, I hope Ro doesn't mind if I blog it. I kind of don't have any real goals. I have spent 20 years now making goals, chasing them, working at achieving them, bending lots of nails, and getting all things I wanted. I suffered giant losses that I could never have imagined and still I persevered. And I won. So isn't it ok just to sit back for a while and not chase anything? To enjoy what I have.
Once upon a time I sought answers from spiritualists, astrology, tarot cards, Turkish coffee grounds. But for years now I have been in a place where I didn't have any questions. Plus, now I see that no one ever told me: your son will die. What if they had? (Just so you know, they didn't have to tell me - I knew in my heart - and I knew I couldn't stop it. Still small voice.)
Anyway, I am just as questionless now as I have been. I think I have climbed past that plateau of the mountain (of enlightenment?) and am climbing on. But now I am used to the altitude, it doesn't hurt to breathe any more. The climb isn't bad because I don't have to work hard. I am not bothered so much by the wind, I have learned that I can stand in the gale or find shelter until it blows over.
Yes, I still step on the loose rock or loose my grip and fall a few feet, but it isn't hard to get my stride back. It isn't bragging, it isn't even knowledge of what lies ahead, but it is confidence that no matter what lies ahead, I most likely will survive it. If I don't, then I am not worried about what lies beyond.
Brave right, how dare I say those words, isn't that tempting fate? If you believe that way then yes it is. But I asked God for years for patience, for knowledge, for strength. I have been through lots and lots. Not as much as many, but a lot more than most. I have cried, I have begged, I have suffered shock that is unmeasurable. I have seen dreams crushed and watched what I thought would be my life forever drop from sight as it fell of the side of the mountain I climbed. It didn't just "fall" either. It gripped the walls & tried to crawl back and for years I heard the echo of its screams. Then it was silent, my past life. Gone forever and not missed. And the new life is soooo much better. I shutter to think what would have happened, but I don't dwell on it, because I know - what is to be - will be. That is the secret - I KNOW that, I KNOW THAT.
Photo borrowed from http://www.flickr.com/photos/9793191@N08/2193457710/, thanks! Fig2007
I lost my little children and watched them become adults. When they were teenagers for a while I swam in the hot springs at one plateau rather than care for them. I lost that time as they climbed past me, kicking pebbles and rocks down on me as the kept on up. But I caught up with them. I have watched as they too lost ground and when I have told them keep climbing, I have seen hope and despair, knowing I can't do the climbing for them. Now they are different, I am different, and I still mourn that we aren't young again. It is the ONLY thing I mourn, that we can't do that part over. But you know the rule there - no do overs & who's to say it would have been better, the results different. (FYI - don't miss the ex, just my small kids)
So now, I don't know that I need to get to the top. Maybe I am at the top. Have you been to a tall mountain? When I was in the Alps it was cloudy where I stood, but as I looked up at the Zugstpitze, I saw that above those clouds was bright sunshine & the mountain soared far into the sky, reaching towards the sun. Sometimes looks are deceiving. http://www.zugspitze.de/livecams/index_en.php
So for today, I am going to sit on the mesa and not worry about the next step. When it is time I will lace up my hiking boots, pick up my pack and carry on. Because isn't that what it is really about - having the strength to Carry On - Carry On.
Once upon a time I sought answers from spiritualists, astrology, tarot cards, Turkish coffee grounds. But for years now I have been in a place where I didn't have any questions. Plus, now I see that no one ever told me: your son will die. What if they had? (Just so you know, they didn't have to tell me - I knew in my heart - and I knew I couldn't stop it. Still small voice.)
Anyway, I am just as questionless now as I have been. I think I have climbed past that plateau of the mountain (of enlightenment?) and am climbing on. But now I am used to the altitude, it doesn't hurt to breathe any more. The climb isn't bad because I don't have to work hard. I am not bothered so much by the wind, I have learned that I can stand in the gale or find shelter until it blows over.
Yes, I still step on the loose rock or loose my grip and fall a few feet, but it isn't hard to get my stride back. It isn't bragging, it isn't even knowledge of what lies ahead, but it is confidence that no matter what lies ahead, I most likely will survive it. If I don't, then I am not worried about what lies beyond.
Brave right, how dare I say those words, isn't that tempting fate? If you believe that way then yes it is. But I asked God for years for patience, for knowledge, for strength. I have been through lots and lots. Not as much as many, but a lot more than most. I have cried, I have begged, I have suffered shock that is unmeasurable. I have seen dreams crushed and watched what I thought would be my life forever drop from sight as it fell of the side of the mountain I climbed. It didn't just "fall" either. It gripped the walls & tried to crawl back and for years I heard the echo of its screams. Then it was silent, my past life. Gone forever and not missed. And the new life is soooo much better. I shutter to think what would have happened, but I don't dwell on it, because I know - what is to be - will be. That is the secret - I KNOW that, I KNOW THAT.
Photo borrowed from http://www.flickr.com/photos/9793191@N08/2193457710/, thanks! Fig2007
I lost my little children and watched them become adults. When they were teenagers for a while I swam in the hot springs at one plateau rather than care for them. I lost that time as they climbed past me, kicking pebbles and rocks down on me as the kept on up. But I caught up with them. I have watched as they too lost ground and when I have told them keep climbing, I have seen hope and despair, knowing I can't do the climbing for them. Now they are different, I am different, and I still mourn that we aren't young again. It is the ONLY thing I mourn, that we can't do that part over. But you know the rule there - no do overs & who's to say it would have been better, the results different. (FYI - don't miss the ex, just my small kids)
So now, I don't know that I need to get to the top. Maybe I am at the top. Have you been to a tall mountain? When I was in the Alps it was cloudy where I stood, but as I looked up at the Zugstpitze, I saw that above those clouds was bright sunshine & the mountain soared far into the sky, reaching towards the sun. Sometimes looks are deceiving. http://www.zugspitze.de/livecams/index_en.php
So for today, I am going to sit on the mesa and not worry about the next step. When it is time I will lace up my hiking boots, pick up my pack and carry on. Because isn't that what it is really about - having the strength to Carry On - Carry On.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Why doesn't my goals have a net instead of 2 posts?
(I know this appears to be rambling, but nobody reads it anyway & I am thinking things out.)
Well, last night, after telling you how good I am, I was bad. Cookies came in here & they were giant. So I ate ½ of one. The last time I had one of these though was Christmas 2007. So that wasn't too bad. I threw the other ½ away when I came in this morning. BUT then I went grocery shopping, did pretty good until I bought the semolina bread & the bite sized macaroons. Let's just say - last night - waste of a day.
But you know what they say - One day at a time sweet Jesus - so here I am again with another day. See this picture - that was me AFTER I got a divorce. My husband says that is the best diet in the world - removing the wedding ring. Before that I was pretty fat - 30#s less than I am now though. How sick is that! Of course I am now 19 years older & have had a hysterectomy & am menopausal. But still - there is no excuse for my appearance. I heard Judy Tenuta say the other day that fat women are like Manatees in thongs. MMMM, sounds about right Judy. Bitch!
OK, so I was thinking last night that I have times where I have absolutely no hunger and then other times where I feel extreme hunger. FYI - drinking lots of water - does NOTHING for my hunger. Sooo, this morning I wrote down those times that I have identified and a plan to keep hunger at bay. Most of that hunger comes from NOT eating full meals. From picking, from eating 6 times a day (as some suggest).
Here was my P&P diet when I was thin - now this worked for me - but I don't know if it would work now - because I don't think I could do it anymore. I call it the Popcorn & Perrier diet. Because basically I ate the following: cereal, popcorn, Slim Fast, water & Pop Tarts. Once a week I went out to dinner, breakfast & lunch - but those were on different days. This was my maintenance diet. I lost that weight in the beginning but cutting calories, reducing fat & using shakes.
But now, I am so fat that when I watched Dr. G's 5 ways American's die last night & saw #2 is my disease - obesity - I was struck by the fact that she said if you can loose weight & keep it off by diet good - BUT most people can't. And that if you are morbidly obese you should have a gastric bypass. Well I can't afford that in several ways - I can't afford the surgery or the time off from work. So now what?
Keep dieting & keep getting fatter and fatter each time I fall off?
I don't know, but I guess I must do something. So, I am getting a purse size notebook & I am going to use it to WRITE in - you remember writing right - done with a pen. In it there will be no structure other than a date. BUT I will write what I eat in there along with whatever else I want - like lists & plans etc.
There is something about having something you can pick up any time any place that beats a computer. My writing is very cramped & hurts my hand now to write BUT I can get use to it again. Yes it is much easier to read when your words flow out of your finger tips - but this will be for me a tool.
So some other things I want to do. Get back to blogging daily, enter a contest a day (I have been doing that), stop sitting at the computer so much when I get home. I am really working on that. And so on. Well here goes, the ball is back into play, I have to run back onto the field...where is that damn punter???
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
What is wrong with me?????
So last night I was watching the Discovery Health Channel's National Body Challenge. This after starting WW's this week & keep track of my points. Which I have blown every day. BUT I never eat like the people on these shows. I think about it all the time. How long since I have had pizza, how I have had French Toast like 4 times since last year (when I lost 33#s from Jan-Jun & have now gained everyone of them back). My favorite breakfast used to be a McDonald's Bacon, Egg, Cheese bagel w/no cheese. I have had about 6 of them in the past year.
Yet the people on these shows go to McDonald's or other fast food several times a day & they eat 4 or 5 hamburgers. I can't even get a medium fry down in one sitting. Why am I a big fat slob and eating 1/3 of what they eat.
They ONLY way I can loose weight is to cut out carbs and eat fats (you know, Atkins). But I can't stick to it - I have in the past, but then I gain it all back and then some which is why I am where I am today.
So now I am blaming Zone Bars - I am going to cut that crap out & start eating food. Regular meals. Forget counting points. I do well when I just write down what I eat. I tried doing that on my phone calendar & quit, I guess I will be more diligent or get another notebook. Today I am going shopping & instead of spending lots of money on bars that do nothing for me I will buy some actual food. Low carbs, but not no carbs. Maybe I will look at the South Beach diet again. I do really well on Atkins but never really got into the So. Beach.
I know a lot of us have these problems. And there are fat people all the time who say "I don't eat a lot". You know what - I really don't & I have it written down to prove it. I challenge anyone to come watch me eat & tell me I eat too much. I think I have just screwed myself up so much that everything goes to fat.
I went to a nutritionist once & quit - maybe I should go back. No more pills. $40-75 a week is what I paid for 6 months last year for pills, and now I am RIGHT back where I was when I first went in a year ago today. How sick is that. But why do you need a nutritionist when there are so many things on the web to help you. If their accountability is like that of the diet doctors (where you get nothing but your BP taken, weighed & pills - that support they tell you about is non-existent).
Sorry to go off on a tare today but I am so frustrated. To see these people just scarfing down the foods I would LOVE to eat and haven't had in forever (you know deserts, candy, etc) & they are eating them EVERYDAY & weigh the same as you. What is up with that. But we see, even Oprah can't do it and she has everything at her fingertips.
Happy New Year - let's hope next year none of us weigh 20#s more (or even 2#s). Peace
Yet the people on these shows go to McDonald's or other fast food several times a day & they eat 4 or 5 hamburgers. I can't even get a medium fry down in one sitting. Why am I a big fat slob and eating 1/3 of what they eat.
They ONLY way I can loose weight is to cut out carbs and eat fats (you know, Atkins). But I can't stick to it - I have in the past, but then I gain it all back and then some which is why I am where I am today.
So now I am blaming Zone Bars - I am going to cut that crap out & start eating food. Regular meals. Forget counting points. I do well when I just write down what I eat. I tried doing that on my phone calendar & quit, I guess I will be more diligent or get another notebook. Today I am going shopping & instead of spending lots of money on bars that do nothing for me I will buy some actual food. Low carbs, but not no carbs. Maybe I will look at the South Beach diet again. I do really well on Atkins but never really got into the So. Beach.
I know a lot of us have these problems. And there are fat people all the time who say "I don't eat a lot". You know what - I really don't & I have it written down to prove it. I challenge anyone to come watch me eat & tell me I eat too much. I think I have just screwed myself up so much that everything goes to fat.
I went to a nutritionist once & quit - maybe I should go back. No more pills. $40-75 a week is what I paid for 6 months last year for pills, and now I am RIGHT back where I was when I first went in a year ago today. How sick is that. But why do you need a nutritionist when there are so many things on the web to help you. If their accountability is like that of the diet doctors (where you get nothing but your BP taken, weighed & pills - that support they tell you about is non-existent).
Sorry to go off on a tare today but I am so frustrated. To see these people just scarfing down the foods I would LOVE to eat and haven't had in forever (you know deserts, candy, etc) & they are eating them EVERYDAY & weigh the same as you. What is up with that. But we see, even Oprah can't do it and she has everything at her fingertips.
Happy New Year - let's hope next year none of us weigh 20#s more (or even 2#s). Peace
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